KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Citing their recent commentary on Syrian refugees in the wake of the Paris, France terrorist attack carried out by ISIS, Jesus Hubert Christ has offered to give “any and all Republican politicians a refresher course in Christianity.”
Many know Mr. Of Nazareth from his lifetime role of Vice-President at Holy Trinity, Inc., the universe’s leading human after life supplier, serving as the “Christ” in “Christianity” for just over 2000 years at time of publication. Christ is considered by most o be the preeminent expert on Christianity. He told reporters at a Monday morning heavenly press conference though, that “clearly there are a hell of a lot of Republicans masquerading as Christians.”
“Here’s the thing,” Jesus told reporters, “the fundamental, core tenet of this hole Me-tianity thing we’ve got going on is agape love. Do you know what agape love means,” Christ asked rhetorically before answering himself, “it means that you’re supposed to love everybody. Literally everybody. See that guy over there that just took a dump on the doorstep of an orphanage? You have to love him. See that woman over there, selling her body for money? You have to love her. That’s how it works.”
Christ said that when he heard Republican governors like Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal, Michigan’s Tom Snyder, Alabama’s Robert Bentley, and Texas’ Greg Abbot announce that they would no longer be accepting refugees from war-torn Syria in light of the ISIS attack on Paris he knew he “had to get those idiots on the horn and disciple some sense into them.” Jesus said that he made several calls to governors’ mansions and presidential campaign managers to “get everyone together so [he] could smack some sense into them.”
“It’s like, literally the most anti-Christian thing you could do,” Jesus said emphatically at one point, “to turn away someone in need of shelter. I mean, did they forget my birth story for Dad’s sake?! The whole reason I was born in a damn manger and not in a bed like most normal people is that a-holes kept turning their backs on my Earth mom and Earth dad. That’s actually one of the many lessons that Christians are supposed to take away from the Nativity.”
Christ made sure to say that the refresher course he’s offering “would be the most ridiculously short lesson plan ever” because, according to Christ, “the founding principles of Christianity are literally one thing and one thing only — don’t be a dick.”
“If you ask me, telling a whole lot of people without homes, money, food or shelter they aren’t welcome because a handful of violence bastards used them as cover is just completely antithetical to what it is we’re supposed to do around here,” Jesus said. He insisted that “nothing shows you don’t understand what [he] was teaching down there quite like turning away people in their time of need.”
As the press conference was wrapping up, Jesus told reporters he was “sickened by people who would absolutely self-immolate if you tried to lump them in with the Westboro baptist church making sweeping generalizations about [his] Muslim children.” He reminded reporters that the song’s lyrics are “Jesus loves the little children of the world and not Jesus loves only the white, Christian children of the world he thinks he can trust because he’s been pumped full of xenophobia.”
“I’ll bottom line it for you all,” Jesus said as he was ending the press conference, “every single religion has its violent factions. The KKK was a Christian organization. The Taliban is a Muslim one. But you know what? They’re both equally terrible in my eyes, so what I’d suggest to Bobby Jindal and all the rest is that they read their Bibles, and if after they do that they still think I want them to deny safe haven to refugees they can come see me, and my pimp hand is awful strong. Ask the money changers.”
