MOUNT BANK, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Sources close to Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) are reporting today that the 2016 Republican presidential candidate has been spending “several long nights in a row” working on a list of debate questions that he feels are good enough to be answered.
“It’s not big secret that Senator Cruz thought the questions in the CNBC debate were written by poopy heads,” one Cruz aide told reporters this morning, “and it’s also no big secret that the 14 campaigns still in it are trying to take control of the debates away from the Republican National Committee, but only Senator Cruz is taking the time to personally draft his own debate questions.” The aide said his boss “feels that’s a great way to show the American people his dedication to the job, but also to his demagoguery and verbal chicanery.”
Another Cruz staffer said that her boss was “understandably perturbed by the CNBC moderators insisting he speak to issues of substance and not whatever the hell he wanted to.” That particular staffer said that while Cruz “most definitely thinks the Republican debates should be moderated by conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, or the Ghost of Ronald Reagan” he thinks “his own, special, tailor-made softball questions are really what the American people want him to answer.”
When asked for details of the questions asked, a third Cruz aide said that the Junior Texas Senator “mostly only had the basic framework” of the questions, but that he could give reporters the general idea. “He’s got some great ones,” the source told the press, “Like, ‘Would you say your greatest weakness is that you’re too good for this job?’ and ‘How long has Hillary Clinton been worshiping Satan and performing abortions on the weekends?’ or my personal favorite, ‘Fuck Democrats, Yes or No?'”
Spokespeople for the other 13 candidates could not all be reached for comment, however one aide for Gov. Chris Christie told reporters, “We’re polling at the bottom of the bottom of the bottom, so like, whatever man.” An aide for Bobby Jindal said that his boss would just “piggy back off Cruz’s questions to save time” and a representative for Ben Carson said that his neurosurgeon turned politician boss was “busily stuffing random words into a hat to pull out and formulate answers.”
“Writing his own questions is yooge,” Donald Trump reportedly told one of his lower-level staffers, “but I’d write better questions. The kinds of questions I’d write would cause people to stop writing questions. Literally my questions would be so good that no one would ever utter an interrogative phrase again. I’m that fuckin’ good at everything.”
The next Republican debate is scheduled for late next week.
