FLAT IRON, WISCONSIN — A Victorian-Age dildo on display at a museum in Wisconsin has offered to “lend a hand, dildo style” to the state’s governor, Scott Walker, while he attends to his presidential bid. The roughly 140 year old sex toy can currently be seen by any patron of the Flat Iron Sexual History and Traditions Museum, but according to the dildo, she would be willing to take over for Walker as he crisscrosses the country, drumming up support for his bid to hold the highest office in the land. The dildo says she was inspired to volunteer to be the substitute governor when she saw in the news that former California Governor and part-time movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger had taken over hosting “Celebrity Apprentice” for Republican front runner Donald Trump while the billionaire runs his own presidential campaign.
“If Arnie can help Trump by doing his job for him while he runs for president,” the dildo told our reporter, “then I can do Walker’s job for him while he runs for president.” The dildo says she’s uniquely qualified to sub-in for Walker because “he fucks the state of Wisconsin’s economy over all the time” and “he fucks the state’s women constantly” and “he fucks over people in his state that want to collectively bargain and unionize all the time.”
The dildo says that its design and intended purpose make it perfectly qualified to continue all those things for Walker. “Basically, if it’s fucking the people of Wisconsin that makes you a good governor,” the dildo said, “then I did that for over a hundred years and should be the most qualified and best governor this state has ever had.” The dildo was also quick to point out that her shortcomings don’t separate her from Walker that much.
“Sure, I’ll admit that I don’t know the first thing about economics, but if you look at what Walker’s done to the state’s economy, neither does he,” the dildo said. She reminded our reporter that when Walker was elected he promised to create more than 250,000 jobs for his state and failed to come through on that promise. She also pointed to Wisconsin’s extremely sluggish jobs creation performance during Walker’s tenure as well. “This is a guy,” the dildo said, “that claims to hate debt but he’s jacked his economy up so badly that he’s run in deficits for years now. So you tell me, is an inanimate sex toy going to be any worse for the economy than an economically illiterate puppet of oil tycoons?”
Though the dildo says she’d be much happier “just sitting in [her] case” and “reminiscing about all the various vaginae” she met during her first career, she says she feels a strong connection with Walker. “He’s a cold, unfeeling dick, and I’m a cold dick who can’t feel,” she explained, adding, “talk about the Universe giving you a sign.”
“Hey, if any Walker supporters are really that worried about me taking over,” the dildo told us as she was wrapping up the interview, “they can rest assured by looking at the polls. Dude’s campaign is going to be over before Christmas at this rate. So don’t worry, Wisconsin, by this time next year Walker will be solely focused on fucking you all over instead of figuring out how best to fuck the entire United States of America into oblivion. So there’s that.”
Reached for comment, Charles and David Koch — Walker’s primary financial backers — told The Political Garbage Chute that they’d be interested in backing the dildo should it want to run for any office. “We’re always looking for new ways to give the American people a stiff one, and maybe this fine, Victorian age dildo could one day be president herself,” Charles Koch said in a statement.
