WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, President Donald Trump shocked many in his own party and even among his base when he ordered Attorney General Jeff Sessions to have the Department of Justice ban the manufacture and sale of “bump stocks,” a gun accessory used to turn semi-automatic rifles like the AR-15 that has been used in several high profile mass shootings into something more similar to a fully automatic firearm.
Trump, a Republican, bucked decades of political precedent by seemingly standing up to the National Rifle Association, who lobbied against restricting bump stock sales, in addition to virtually every other proposed change to gun legislation. The move comes after weeks of intense scrutiny on the gun control issue largely because of the tireless efforts of some survivors of the Parkland, Florida school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School on Valentine’s Day this year. Seventeen people lost their lives to a gunman armed with an AR-15, though one without a bump stock, as had been used by the Las Vegas gunman who killed hundreds at a country music concert last year.
This evening, members of various right-wing publications were gathered in the Oval Office to celebrate White House adviser Stephen Miller’s vampire cult membership anniversary — which is when he joined the same Nazi vampire cult started by famed right-wing commentator Annosferatu Coulter. It was at this time that Trump surprised everyone and addressed exactly why he had decided to go against much of his own party and tell Sessions to ban bump stocks.
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“It wasn’t me! The URBAN president made me do it, with his sharia voodoo magic,” Trump shouted. “I didn’t wanna do it! But he must have snuck into the White House at night using a key he kept or something, and whispered into my ear in Sharia Voodoo to take away the bump stocks. That is literally the only explanation for this, because we all know it sure as shit can’t be because I had a chance of heart or conscience.”
Trump paused.
“BECAUSE YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE,” Trump bellowed. “Everyone knows that he was the gun grabber! The gun grabber secret Kenyan communist Sharia socialist, too! Who else would mind control me to take away your bump stocks?!”
Sensing a shift in the president’s tone and demeanor, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders threw down the chocolate dipped hotdogs she was scarfing down by the handful, leaped up from her squattin’ spot in the Oval Office, and ran out of the room. Moments later she returned with a bucket of KFC from the “emergency stash” that President Trump keeps in the bathroom, a case of Diet Coke, and a copy of Maxim magazine with his daughter Ivanka on the cover.
“Ah, thank you, Sarah, you always know what I need when I need it. You’re a good little helper, aren’t you,” Trump said, scratching Huckabee behind the years. “Yes you are! Yesss you are!”
Huckabee admonished her boss, gently.
“Now, sir, we’ve talked about you treating me like a lap dog before, right,” Huckabee asked.
Trump remembered now.
“Oh yes, because that is degrading to you and your gender,” Trump said.
Everyone in the room laughed.
“No! Mr. President, it’s because if you treat me too much like a dog, by brother’s liable to come here and kill me,” Huckabee said. “And then who will you run out there to tell your lies all the time?”
The White House did not provide comment for this story.
James‘ satire is available here and at Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, and The Pastiche Post.
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