NEPTUNE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — From the comfort of his presidential campaign tour bus, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker followed-up one anti-abortion maneuver with yet another anti-abortion move just days later. Earlier in the week, Walker — a Republican presidential candidate in next year’s election — signed a law into the Cheese State’s books that bans any abortion procedure performed after 20 weeks and there are no exceptions for rape or incest. Critics are calling it an unconstitutional and naked attempt to rob women of their constitutionally-protected right to choose a safe, legal abortion before the point of fetal viability and just as importantly after being the victim of rape or incest. Walker, unfazed by his critics however, wasn’t done making anti-abortion moves.
“I am signing this executive order today, in accordance with my deeply held belief that all human life is sacred and should be protected all the way to birth — and not a moment more afterwards,” Walker said as he brushed his pen over the document he was signing. “From this point forward, all testicles within the boundaries of the State of Wisconsin are hereby considered protected under special Wisconsin law, and all sperm contained therein are hereby conferred with all rights guaranteed to all other Americans who happen to be sentient and fully autonomous from their host organism.”
Walker told reporters present at the signing of the executive order that will effectively protect all semen as full-fledged human beings that it is a “monumentical re-chievement for all of us” because “it declares what good, clean, red-blooded, Jesus Christ fearing Americans know — that life begins even well-before conception.” Campaign staffers would later tell the press that Governor Walker was adamant about signing this executive order because “he wants Republican voters throughout the country to know that he will pander to their religiously-based desire to keep other adults from making their own reproductive decisions for them.”
“Life is sacred,” Walker said, “and since sperms are like, you know, the like, thing that starts the whole baby process in a woman’s ‘gina, that means we have to protect every sperm as if it were a sacrament itself.”
Governor Walker told the media that “nothing says American Freedom like telling a little girl who was just raped by her uncle that she has to have her uncle’s baby because Jesus.” He also said that he “strongly believes” that “no zygote, blastocyst or under-developed parasitic organism incapable of sentient thought” should have to fear for their life. “I know that the high-fallutin’ scientists from their liberal brain rinsing academias will tell you otherwise, but I truly believe that even a sperm and egg can tell when they are extinguished, and that’s why I’m mulling an executive order banning menstrual periods for women and masturbating into a gym sock for men.”
“I believe in small government,” Walker told the press, “and by that I mean government small enough to fit into every pee hole in this once great nation. I believe we can be great once again if we stop caring about things like economic equality, social equality, environmental climate change, ending the War on Drugs, and immigration reform and focus all our energies on the culture war. In fact, it’s only though spying on our neighbors’ genitalia that we can truly be free.”
Walker said as the press conference was ending that he “would not rest as president” until he knew “for certain that all the sperms and lady sperms in the country would be safely protected by the watchful eye of a government that cares not about whether the seas or piles of dead, poverty stricken Americans are rising, but instead whether or not a fetus without the ability to live outside its mother has its non-sentient life ended in a safe, sterile medical environment under the care and counsel of her doctor” because “that’s what America’s about — ramming your religious beliefs down everyone’s throats.”
