Tallahassee, FL — Florida Governor Rick Scott recently made national headlines when the Republican’s administration handed down an edict over the weekend stating that no state official is to use the term “climate change.” In a state like Florida, that is surrounded on nearly all its sides by an ocean that will most assuredly rise to disastrous levels should climate change not be addressed, the move is a stunning one. Scientists and pundits alike condemned the move as extremely shortsighted, but ultimately par for the course from the governor who also spent millions of taxpayer dollars drug testing welfare recipients only to find out not that many people one welfare can afford drugs in the first place.
Governor Scott, however, was not done banning words from the Floridian government’s official lexicon. In an email sent from Scott’s office to the rest of the state’s government employees, a directive was sent regarding the “use of certain, disallowed phrases” within any government building in the state. “All employees of the State of Florida are hereby forbidden from using any of the following terms after today’s date: scientifically illiterate, self-inflicted, stunning lack of foresight, and of course, fucking morons.”
The email explains to state employees that they “have a duty to explain to disgruntled Floridians or any members of the press that our great state will not be swayed by such things as objective, peer-reviewed scientific data” when addressing concerns over Scott’s flat-out refusal to even acknowledge climate change.” The email from Scott’s office also states, “any employee caught uttering any of the forbidden phrases will be summarily executed per the state’s new Stand Your Sinking Ground law.”
At a recent press conference, Governor Scott was unapologetic for his edicts, saying that he “understands concerns about limiting free speech” but “all that Constitutional stuff takes a backseat to ensuring Florida’s taxpayers aren’t ripped off by the liberal elite.” Governor Scott also said in his press conference that he doesn’t even see a major sea level change as “that bad a thing” for his state.
“I mean, sure,” Scott said, “the liberal elites will have you believe that most or all of your state being swallowed up the rising ocean level would be terrible, but I wonder if they’ve ever even attempted to grow gills and live under water.” Scott then went on to insist that “Floridians can grow those gills. Floridians can live under water, and we don’t need the Fat Cats in Washington telling us we can’t!”
Reporters asked Scott if there are any other words he plans to ban from Florida’s official governmental vocabulary. “We’re taking it on as-needed basis,” Scott told the media. “As in, any time I need to satiate the most ignorant voters in our base, I’ll do something like this.”
