WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), announced that he will be retiring from Congress when his term is up, and won’t seek re-election. Gowdy becomes one of a slew of  Congressional Republicans, both in the House and Senate, that have said this will be their final term. Speculation is rampant that many in the GOP see the writing on the wall for this year’s mid-terms and want to get out before a potential electoral massacre in November.

Shortly after making the announcement of his impending resignation, Gowdy was handed some less than pleasing news by the office of Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-AynRandistan).

“I was informed this morning after giving notice of my resignation after this term that I would no longer be allowed to have the taxpayers foot the bill when I go fishing,” Gowdy said. “That’s definitely a big ol’ bummer because as a stereotypical cartoon character of a southern lawyer, I love me my drawl and my trips to the fishin’ hole.”

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Gowdy made a name for himself during his congressional tenure as an attack dog of the left. Rep. Gowdy lead several congressional investigations into the Obama administration, particularly as it related to the so-called Benghazi Incident. In September of 2012, a terror attack was carried out on a U.S. consular building in Libya, and despite official inquiries turning up no malfeasance with any member of the Obama cabinet or administration, Gowdy was a key Republican stoking the fires of the alleged scandal right to the point that Obama left office, though noticeably in the year or so since President Trump took office, the cries of outrage over Benghazi have grown quiet.

“Fishing is just what I do,” Gowdy explained. “I go out, I drop my line, bait it, and hope something comes along and takes the hook. Same thing applies to any congressional fishing expedition I did. I baited my hook, and waited. And you know what? I hooked plenty of fish. I mean, in this case I’m talking about people who believe my spin, but you get what I’m saying here.”

Gowdy says paying for his own fishing trips is going to be a “real crimp in [his] style.”

“Most people have no idea how buzzed you get when you stand in front of a microphone and a camera and deride people who take money from the government and then turn around, go behind closed doors, and spend millions and millions of dollars so you can have cool sounding sound bytes in your ads,” Gowdy said. “I’m definitely going to miss having the taxpayers foot my bills, that’s for sure.”

Though Mr. Gowdy said he’ll be rejoining the the justice system in his resignation announcement, within hours he said he was “putting a pin” in that idea and is seriously mulling a new employment opportunity he was given instead.

“The good folks at Krispy Kreme have come to me and said they think my flop sweat would make the best possible base for their glaze they put on their doughnuts,” Gowdy said. “I can’t think of a better way to use my slipperiness if not at Krispy Kreme…I mean, you know, other than in Congress, of course.”

You can read stories like this on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

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