5 Shows You’ll NEVER See Air on ‘The Sarah Palin Channel’

For many, an illustrious career that includes résumé highlights such as The Most Embarrassing Vice-Presidential Nominee in History and a half-term governorship of Alaska would be enough to hang their hat on. Still for others, if you were to add to that list things like “a shitty reality show featuring as many opportunities to whore out my family — especially my eldest daughter” they would feel they did quite enough in their 15 minutes. But for a titan of culture and sophistication like Sarah “I Read Every Newspaper” Palin, enough is never enough, even when just about everyone on both sides of the aisle thinks you’re a jackass, buffoon and the low watermark for your party’s existence.

So she’s starting her own online TV channel. I know The Sarah Palin Channel will get a special bookmark in my Favorites bar, but in case you need some more convincing, what if I told you these shows will be on TSPC this fall? They won’t be, but I think you’ll agree they should be. Here are 5 Shows You’ll Never See Air on The Sarah Palin Channel.

#5. People Who Know When Their 15 Minutes Are Up

Just because the person the channel is named after hasn’t gotten monumental clue after monumental clue that her time in the spotlight has come and go, that doesn’t mean she can’t have a show on her channel all about people who knew when to acquiesce the limelight. One thing’s for sure, this show would not feature people who have overstayed their welcome in American popular culture so long that 52% of a Wall Street Journal poll’s respondents want them to be quiet. Even Dick Cheney fared better in that WSJ poll than Sarah did, so really it wasn’t hyperbole, no one as unpopular and overwrought as Sarah Palin would be on this show.

#4. Who’s The Boss (That Didn’t Quit Halfway Through Her First Term)?

In the 1980’s, one of my favorite sitcoms was “Who’s the Boss.” The story of a professional baseball player who ended his career short and then took a job as a house keeper for a well-off divorcee and the hilarity ensued as the two — white collar and blue collar — lived and raised their kids together. I imagine a new version of this show could be created wherein Sarah plays a woman who is the governor of a state who decides to end her term early so she can…well, we’re not really sure what Sarah’s been doing the last few years since she ditched her job in Alaska, but the closest I can come up with is “fame-whoring” herself.  I’d pair her with John McCain — who could play the Judith Light role perfectly I think — and watch the hilarity ensue.

#3. Are You Smarter Than Louie Gohmert?

This show would last all of one taping session because well, spoiler alert: Everyone is smarter than Louie Gohmert. Well, maybe not Sarah Palin. So she could definitely sub in for Gohmert when he’s off protecting his asparagus from aspersions that Attorney General Eric Holder might lob at it.

#2. John McCain’s 36-Hour Apology Telethon

I know. I’ve already bashed the old war monger in this piece, but really, don’t we all think John McCain owes us an apology? I know if I were a Republican voter who actually wanted my party to sniff the White House again I’d be furious at McCain for unleashing Palin on the world and under the banner of my party. Democrats despise her because she is unabashed in her scientific and foreign policy illiteracy while perfectly encapsulating the unjustified hubris that is so endemic in NeoCons. So I think John should host a telethon wherein for 36 hours he stands in front of a camera and apologizes to as many Americans — by name — as he can in that time period. We’ll supply him with all the Red Bulls and/or cocaine he’d need to get through it, and we think if he put in maximum effort, he could at least cover twenty states or so.

All money raised would go to Sarah’s voice-box-ectomy. A noble cause if ever there was one.

#1. Sarah Palin Demonstrates Even a Soupcon of Intellect

In the end, it’s likely  either truly hilarious or truly appalling to you that Sarah Palin of all people would be telling people her new channel will have the news coverage everyone’s been pining for. She’s a Class-A stooge, or rather her political calculus has been to embrace the Stupid Wing of the Republican Party and not let go, and now she’s positing herself as an oasis of salience in a world bereft of cogent thought. And yet, anyone with a pulse and that doesn’t get every single scrap of information from Fox, World Nut Daily and Drudge knows that just about nothing that’s ever come out of her mouth has been even remotely wise or reasoned. Her “predictions” of Ukrainian unrest at the hands of Putin weren’t proof of some genius behind the derp. Predicting that Putin would try to destabilize the region — after seeing him take Georgia while George W. Bush was in office — would be like predicting that if Paul Ryan were President, he’d advocate privatizing Social Security and cutting unemployment benefits.

No one needs The Sarah Palin Channel, but in a way I’m glad it’s going to exist. It always make it easier when you know exactly where to go for the absolute best…in shitty, 1980’s-era style Republican talking points and antiquated social values.