A new study published in the New England Manual For Medicinal Musings may have just identified the most effective contraceptive method developed to date.
According to researchers at the Northeastern University in Gladstone, Ohio, modern libertarianism, when displayed during a romantic encounter such as a date or mansplaining how the economy works, is the most reliable way to ensure no pregnancy can occur. The study’s results seem to indicate that modern libertarianism is “so rife with toxic misogyny” that the “female body has a way of shutting that whole libertarian thing completely out.”
“In the overwhelming majority of case studies, as soon as a woman heard someone tell them taxation is theft, or that the Non-Aggression Principle applies to six week old zygotes, their vaginae would completely dry up and close down,” Dr. Muriel T. Bosworth, Director of Medical Studies at NEU, told reporters. “In several instances, just hearing the word ‘cuck’ would turn women into devout lesbians.”
Bosworth said it took NEU researchers months to find their experiment’s different groups. There were issues in finding libertarian men who’d had sexual intercourse with a non-related human in the last decade that kept the study from moving forward for weeks.
“We had to scour the country to even find enough test subjects that had been laid so that we could even do the experiment,” Bosworth explained, “but once we opened up our search to include people who lost their virginity to their cousins, we had more than enough test subjects.”
Sexual, bodily, and reproductive autonomy topped the list of reasons that females gave for not being attracted to libertarian men.
“Most respondents said they liked control of their own vagina enough to find incongruity in statements about one’s beliefs in personal liberty a complete and total turn-off,” Bosworth said. “Apparently, the cocktail of smugness, history revisionism, willful ignorance, cultural misogyny, and the musk old Ayn Rand paperbacks dries up a vagina faster than a blow dryer on a Dixie cup.”
Bosworth said the results show “one thing quite conclusively.”
“Social Darwinism doesn’t get the pantie juices flowing so much,” Bosworth said.
There are some women who do respond favorably to libertarian men, and that might explain why they’re a small, if not vocal, minority segment of the population.
“Some women just don’t care about being subjugated, it turns out. If they were raised in homes that taught them their vaginae somehow lessen their ability to do the same thing men do, for instance, they are far more likely to hold their nose and bang a libertarian,” Bosworth explained. “Women who don’t value themselves, or who kid themselves into thinking they can change the libertarian man in their life’s misogynistic ways are also more likely to mate with a libertarian. Also women in the Complete Fucking Moron group showed a 92% chance of being duped into getting naked with neck beards.”
Reached for comment, Matt Riccilumbo, the world’s leading libertarian scholar, scoffed at the results of the study.
“Actually, most women find beta male soy boys to be so displeasing, they’ll gladly ignore the fact that you use stupid terms like ‘soy boy’ to leap at the opportunity to make a baby with a guy who thinks her baby making parts are the exact reason he’s better than her,” Riccilumbo told us.
James‘ satire can also be found on The Political Garbage Chute, Alternative Science, and Alternative Facts.
Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://www.teechip.com/trumpfamilyvalues
More Satire:
http://pastichepost.com/2018/01/19/new-study-reveals-inverse-relationship-between-penis-size-and-times-word-cuck-is-used/
http://pastichepost.com/2018/03/25/bill-d-stockpile-arms/
