SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA — 38 year old San Diego native Lance Reginald loves Mexican food. Lance has always loved tacos, he tells us as we sit down to enjoy a lunch together comprised of, as luck would have it, tacos. Reginald even has a taco tattoo tramp stamp he got one drunken night, and today Lance has taken us to his favorite taco shop, Alberto’s, which is just a block or two from his house. But he says that the thing he loves about San Diego is that if he had decided to go to another taco shop, he could walk another block in any other direction and get us to another establishment that sells “damn good tacos” as well.
“I consider myself to be extremely lucky, and tremendously blessed, to live in the part of world outside of Mexico that has the best Mexican food,” Lance tells me as he scarfs down a carne asada taco al pastor. “I’ve heard some people say L.A. or New Mexico has as good, if not better, Mexican food, and they are so wrong it makes me want to scream.”
Lance said he’s started a new website, SanDiegoTacos.net, to spread the word about San Diego tacos, and to counter what he calls “anti-San Diego taco bullshit.”
“You know, in the last five years I’ve watched no less than ten half-hour TV shows on tacos or Mexican food on the Food Network, the Travel Channel, and Discovery,” Lance says. “And not a single one of them put a San Diego eatery in their top 10, and most didn’t even fucking mention San Diego! Talking about tacos and not mentioning San Diego is like talking about diarrhea and not mentioning Ann Coulter’s mouth.”
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Though he’s not particularly proud of it, there was even a time when Lance got into a big brawl with someone from Albuquerque that claimed his town had better tacos than San Diego.
“I looked that motherfucker dead in the eye, and I shoved a beautiful carnitas taco into his hand from Los Chiquitos, a taco stand just, like, five minutes from here,” Lance recalls. “And even after that son of a bitch ate it, he had the balls to claim he’d HAD BETTER. Can you fucking imagine? He’d had better…shiiiiiitttt. So I decked him, right in his kisser.”
Even the associated court costs from when the man sued him wouldn’t stop Lance from fighting someone else who claimed taco supremacy over San Diego.
“Look, it’s super simple, really,” Lance said, “San Diego has the best tacos other than what you get in Mexico because we’re the closest to Mexico. This isn’t even up for debate. You could say it triggers me, and that’s fine. I don’t mind standing up for what truly matters in this world.”
James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
