5 Reasons House Republicans Want To Shut The Government Down

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Okay, so now it’s clear as day that House Republicans a) have no clue how pathetically stupid they’re going to look after they shut down the government and on the very same day Obamacare exchanges launch and b) really do deep-down want to shut our government down completely. Well, I take that back. The parts of our government that feed defense contractor jobs, the military and funnel money up the ladder to big business by way of corporate welfare? They like those. They’ll have some of them, please.

Republican leadership may be telling us all that they don’t want the government shut down, but if that were the case, wouldn’t John Boehner have gotten his caucus under control by now? I suppose the other option is that Boehner is a terrible leader and terrible politician, but what possible evidence — aside from his entire political career — do we have of that? I’ve been doing some thinking about this whole shutdown thing. Obviously there are some reasons the GOP has for shutting down the government, but considering all the political fallout that is surely to beset them as a result, what could those reasons be?

So I sent an email to a Republican staffer I was friends with back in 2002 when we both went to wrestling nationals at Fall River College in Lake Mendacity, MN. What the staffer sent back may surprise you. It was a list of the benefits and reasons behind the Republican effort to shut down the government, and I thought our faithful readers would like to see what they’re thinking over there in Republicastan.

5  Reasons House Republicans Want To Shut The Government Down

#5. Rep. Louie Gohmert Is So Close To Finishing His Biography, “7 — My IQ, Shoe Size and the Number of People Who Think I’m Smart”

Louie is a tiny, simple ideologue that’s been pounding away at his memoir for twenty years now. He had no idea when he started that crayons were going to rub down so quickly, and he kept running out of glue sticks and construction paper. But now, he’s just a few pages away from finishing and handing it in to his teacher for a grade. A government shutdown would give Gohmert just enough time to put the finishing touches on the book, and he’s convinced Boehner to go along with the shutdown because of it.

#4. Darrell Issa’s New Scandal to Chase Hasn’t Been Made-Up Yet

It takes a serious amount of time for a bullshit scandal that will distract the hard-right sycophants watching Fox News and listening to Rush Limbaugh from the fact that Republican policies over the last thirty years have been disastrous for the country. Rep. Issa’s already helped cook-up and keep-alive the Fast & Furious, Benghazi, Solyndra, and IRS Tea Party targeting “scandals,” but he’s running out of time in Obama’s second term to find something he can make stick in terms of impeachment charges. Shutting down the government is the perfect way to buy more time to doctor more emails or cherry pick more interviews to create a new, better scandal.

#3. Because Who WOULDN’T Love To Make $170,000 a Year To Not Work?

Some may say the House Republicans are acting recklessly and that they seem to lack some foresight and intelligence in deciding to shut down the Federal government. But wouldn’t everyone love to make a good six-figure income for doing absolutely nothing too? Just think, your tax dollars are paying us three-times the average American income in 2011 to not work.  And they don’t even have to piss into a cup to get their free taxpayer money. So it’s a win-win for them. Shut it down and keep collecting the paycheck. Brilliant, no?

#2. It’s The Only Way They Can Feel Like Obama’s Not In Office

They’ve been trying for the last five years to kick him out of office. Some among them are all very willing to cast doubt on his legitimacy as a citizen of this country. But through it all, the American people have remained stubbornly okay with the Kenyan Usurper. A government shutdown gives Obama no government to run, and therefore, BINGO! He’s sort of, kind of, at least enough to make them feel good about themselves, not the president anymore.

#1. They Really Don’t Realize How Bad This is Going to Look For Them

Here’s the Honest-to-Universe truth here — a government shutdown will be a massive and decisive victory for anyone but House Republicans, and don’t be surprised if their tantrum costs them a seat or two in the Senate as well. The thing is that even though most Americans feel their government spends too much — that has never not been the case. Republicans in Congress are now reaping the whirlwind they sewed by creating a media bubble under which they and their constituents can casually sit and demagogue the rest of us.

The truly galling part of course is that we all know they don’t really think everyone in the country agrees with them. How can they look at the polling numbers or the results of last year’s election and think in any way, shape or form that they hold the majority opinion on Obamacare? Sure, it’s unpopular in the polls, but then again many people don’t even realize that the Affordable Care Act and Obamacare are the same fucking thing. They think Obamacare is literally government-issued health care and the ACA is a set of laws about health care. What’s going to happen is that in about four years all the misinformation will be seen for what it is, Americans will see it as a flawed but workable law that can be improved, and this temper tantrum over helping 35 million more Americans get access to healthcare is going to cost them the White House — and probably the House — for years to come.

All because they operate on in alternate universe where the polls were skewed, voter fraud is rampant, and every welfare recipient is an able-bodied lazy person just trying to get a free ride.


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