Cooking and Cocking: 5 Kitchen Tips for Your Gun From Wayne LaPierre

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It seems like you just can’t get away from guns in the news days, doesn’t it? Shootings here, shootings there, shootings in a box, shootings with cream cheese and lox. You get the idea. Americans love guns like Americans love fried foods. But with all the shootings and death, some lesser-patriotic folk would be thinking that guns are getting a bad rap. Many are starting to look at guns not as some philosophical guarantee of a tyranny-free life, but as dangerous implements of death that should be treated with far more respect and caution in their availability than they currently receive.

Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice-President of the National Rifle Association however, would like Americans to think about the many non-lethal uses for a firearm, particularly in the kitchen. LaPierre has put out a new cook book called, “Cooking and Cocking,” and an advance copy was sent to many media outlets. What follows below is an excerpt from the book, in which LaPierre gives five “quick tips” for using your gun in your kitchen.

#5. Need To Tenderize Some Meat? Try A Semi-Automatic Rifle!

Do you ever find yourself making some kind of paillard, and your wrist starts cramping up from all that hammering and tenderizing? Well, save your wrists some pain and look no further than your weapons locker, which of course most American patriots keep right next to their pantry and spice rack. If that meat is giving you fits, just tenderize it the American Way, with bullets! Simply take your meat out to the back yard, grab your AR-15, and pump that protein full of lead! You’ve seen the work these firearms can do to human bodies at the various mass shootings around the country, but now feast your eyes on what it can do for your veal piccata.

#4. Can’t Open That Stuck Jar? Blast That Fucker Open!

Nothing is worse or more embarrassing than not being able to get that jar of pickles or roasted red peppers open. You’ve tried running the jar under hot water. You’ve tried prying under the lid with a butter knife. And while those are “okay” and “totally acceptable” ways to open a stuck jar lid, a much more fun and frankly American way is to use the power of your Second Amendment rights to ready, aim, and fire your way into that jar of gherkins. Simply put the barrel of the gun right up to the lid, point-blank range, and pull the trigger; you’ll be literally showered in pickles.

#3. Get That Perfect Sear With the Barrel of Your Gun!

Making a beautiful steak? Cooking up some good ol’ fashioned American hot dogs? Then don’t bother going out to the grill, or getting that big, heavy cast iron skillet out. Instead, just take out your favorite firearm — preferably one with a nice, large barrel. Then, it’s a matter of squeeze, squeeze, squeezing that trigger until the barrel is smoking hot, and then you just lay whatever it is you want to cook right on top of that barrel. Perfect for pork chops and and scallops!

#2. Make Literal Shells and Cheese!

Sure, you’re broke. Sure, you keep voting for Republicans that front policies that only keep you broke while making the rich even richer. But you don’t have to settle for plain, boring mac’n’cheese when you can have shells and cheese. And we mean literally covering spent ammunition with cheese sauce. The bullet casings will act just like regular pasta except, you know, inedible. Give it a try tonight, your kids are bound to say, “More bullets and cheese sauce, please!”

#1. The Only Way To Stop a Bad Meal Is a Good Meal With a Gun

Listen, we’ve all been there. Despite your best efforts, your food turned out terrible, inedible even. Your family looks upset, and you feel just terrible. You’ve made a bad meal. But don’t fret American kitchen patriot! You have the solution to your problems right there in your gun cache. Just like the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun, the only way to stop a bad meal is to shoot the living shit out of it. Just lock, load, and unleash your furor on that horrid cheeseburger pizza, or that completely disgusting chipped beef you made. Thank us later!

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