This adorable little racist sack of shit wants you, and every other American to think he’s above the law.

Not only is he constantly trying to position himself into a place of authority that puts his adorably fat, xenophobic self out of accountability’s grasp, he has dozens of surrogates who use the power of mass media to amplify that message. He even has an equally chonky, servile fascist toady Attorney General who acts like his personal attorney making arguments that state the case for him never paying the price for abusing the powers of his office, like the cute little tyrannical white collar crook he is!

But why?

Why come he wants people to think he’s above the law? What’s his rationale, his reason, for wanting to make every American he can believe that he’s just not someone you can hold accountable? Well, there are a bunch of reasons, but we came up with the four most important, obvious, and logical ones, which we’re going to share with our readers right now.

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4. Because He Can’t Help But Crime It Up

Some people have a natural instinct for music. You can put any instrument in their hands, and within a few hours, they’ll be at least proficient at it enough to make some music with it. Well, this chonky, whiny bitch has the same preternatural ability for doing crimes. Don’t believe us? Just ask the executive board of his family charity. Oh wait, you can’t, because it’s been dissolved by the State of New York. And just last week this big boi had to cut a check for a couple million dollars because a court ruled he was only using another charity as a slush fund to pay off his own obligations and duck taxes. But if you all think he’s above the law, all that pesky interference from law enforcement goes away, doesn’t it? Being above the law sure does make his propensity for criminality a let less of an albatross around his neck.

3. Because He’s The Bigliest and Most Corrupt President We’ve Ever Had

This Super Chonk just happens to be literally the most corrupt person who hired and/or appointed the most sycophantic, morally weak-willed enablers (who are also corrupt AF) to sit in the Oval Office as the chief executive. He’s so corrupt that Warren Harding’s and Richard Nixon’s ghosts got together and decided they wish they’d thought of some the stuff he’s pulled. Someone that monstrously and self-evidently corrupt has a vested interest in making sure he’s never, ever, ever made to pay the price for his crimes against the Constitution. You can’t punish someone for violating the Constitution when it’s already been used as toilet paper during “executive time” and flushed down the golden crapper, can you? Checkmate, libtards.

2. Because He Can Still Go To Jail After He’s President

Making Americans believe that he cannot and should not be considered subject to the laws of the land like everyone else is vital to keeping him from being thrown in jail once this thicc tyrant gets out of office. That’s why it’s so important to him that he holds onto the presidency as long as he can, because once he doesn’t have the powers of the office giving him legal cover from being indicted, the cucks in the courts might decide to try and abuse him by making him accountable, which we’ve already covered is literally the worst thing he can think of, having never been subjected to it once in his privileged existence. But if he gets out of the White House and enough Americans feel he was never subject to the law, then he has himself a new legal argument, doesn’t he? Again, checkmark, lib-Todds.

1. Because He’s a Spoiled-Ass, Whiny Bitch That’s Never Had Any Consequences for Being Such a Basic White Failure

Try to contain your shock — but a man born with a silver spoon not just in his mouth but firmly embedded in his colon, might not have ever, ever, ever had to deal with negative consequences. Whether the consequences for his abject failure in any number of businesses he’s started, his unmistakable corruption and lifetime of lying through his dumb mouth, or anything else that the rest of us would have to pay some kind of price for, this dude? Not so much. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.