DELAWARE, TEXAS — Kate Singleton just married the man of her dreams, she tells all friends. Even though Kevin, her new husband, is almost four decades older than Kate, she says that she “couldn’t be any happier” than she is right now in her life.
“And it turns out, I’m into gray pubes! That is such a relief,” Kate told us in a Skype interview today, “because the only thing I was really afraid of was that when I decided to marry a 60 year old that I’d be saddled with picking gray pubes out of my teeth and clothing for the rest of life. Well, the pubes are definitely there, but, well, I’m into them!”
Katie says that for the most part, life as a trophy wife is “neat” and she doesn’t have many complaints.
“He buys me anything I want, showers me with gifts so I don’t go running off with another old guy, and other than when he screams at me and calls me a Gold Digging hussy whore like his first four wives,” Katie said, “it’s pretty much a dream come true! I don’t even mind how long and saggy his testes are! The sack is kinda cute when it’s all wrinkled up like a piece of dried chewing gum left on a park bench!”
The couple don’t have all that much in common, Kate says, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t “truly, very happy together.”
“So what if we don’t have anything from our childhood or pop culture that bonds us together,” Kate told us, “we have Kevin’s money. That’s pretty important and the key to our very healthy relationship. I really don’t know what I’d do without Kevin’s love, support, and credit cards!”
Even though things are going so well right now, Kate says she’s mature and wise enough to know that’s not a guarantee of future happiness. She says that she’s well aware that things could change. Ms. Singleton has plans for when or if her marriage to Kevin goes south.
“The way I see it, there are plenty of aging fossils in the sea,” Kate said. “And now that I know dicks that look like deflated, empty Oscar Meyer hot dog skins don’t repulse me, I think I’ll find love again. Of course, I hope it never comes to that. Because I love Kevin’s money so much.”
Kate blinked.
“You heard me right the first time,” Kate said.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
