Believe it or not, Americans are only about 20 short months away from choosing the next President of the United States.
It’s assumed at this point that President Joe Biden will throw his hat in the ring for the Democratic nomination. For his Republican counterpart, however, there’s still a hotly contested primary season to get through, and all signs point to a knock-down, drag-out fight between at least two forms of cancer for the GOP’s presidential ticket.
Former one-term, twice permanently impeached, disgraced, and daughter-lusting President Donald J. Trump prefers to be on the top of every list, and when it comes to Republican cancers, there is no higher place to put him than right there. Most Americans are quite familiar by now with Trump Cancer, though polling shows roughly 30% of the electorate belong to a Pro-Cancer Cult, and remarkably, they think Trump Cancer is a life saver.
Trump made his carcinogenic intentions known first, trying to freeze out the field of potential competitors and attempting to setup a rematch between himself and Biden. However, former Governor and Trump ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley has already challenged Trump. Though, Haley is a mild form of torrential, explosive diarrhea, and not cancer…yet.
For Trump’s cancerous rival, you need to head due east, and travel to the state shaped like a flaccid dong — Florida. That’s where you’ll find one of the deadliest — and dumbest — forms of cancer known to humankind: Gov. Ron DeSantis.
Scientists aren’t really sure yet where DeSantis came from. Some think he was the result of too much radiation being blasted at Trump’s balls during failed cloning experiments. Others hypothesize that DeSantis is a form of rectal cancer because he’s such an insufferable pain in the ass, while others have speculated that he’s a form of uterine cancer because he’s also a fascist cunt.
If you own property in Florida, you’ve seen how devastating the DeSantis cancer can be to your tax bill every year. And if you’re a public school teacher in the Gunshine State, you know firsthand the kind of devastation a cancer like DeSantis can wreak on your life. It’s hard to imagine anyone living with DeSantis for any amount of time and still voting for him to be president, but a recent study showed that four out of five Florida Republicans are clinically moronic, with the other 20% testing positive for dumbfuckitis.
With so much time left before the primary concludes, though, it’s entirely possible that Republican voters may be given even more cancerous options for their presidential nominee. In 2016, the GOP field was quite large, and chock full of cancers from the testicular variety known as “Ted Cruz,” to penile cancer “Rick Santorum.” So even if Trump and DeSantis both wind up not being the cancers of choice for the Republican base, it seems almost a foregone conclusion that some cancer or another will get the nod.
The question is: which one?