Yearly Archives: 2020

Trump Asks Ukraine to Investigate Coronavirus for Corruption

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has called the President of...

CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued a...

Trump Warns His Enemies Not To Interfere In 2020 Election By Voting For The Democrat

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though there are still several months left before...

Trump Tests Negative for Coronavirus, But Positive for Dumbfuck Flu

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though he delayed being tested for over a...

2020 Polls: Coronavirus Beating Trump in Head-to-Head Matchup

In news that might upset the commander in chief, newly released...

Alabama ‘Looking Into’ Prosecuting God for Miscarriages

LAKE SACDEDOUCHE, ALABAMA -- Alabama's governor has reportedly ordered her state's...

Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground

The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that...

Report: People Were Socially Distancing Themselves From You Way Before Coronavirus

The CDC has recently issued guidelines for reducing the spread of...

President Agrees to Coronavirus Test After Being Assured It Has No Spelling or Math Questions

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Since the start of the global pandemic outbreak...

Postponed Coachella Will Now Offer $1200 Boutique Coronavirus Testing Tent

CALIFORNIA -- This week, under mounting pressure from a potential pandemic...