KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — While down on Earth the President of the United States of America was telling a crowd at an event sponsored by the National Rifle Association that the “eight year assault” on the Second Amendment was coming to a “crashing end,” up in Heaven, where many members of the Religious Right that elected President Trump want to end up when they die, Jesus Hubert Christ was reading a transcript of the speech to the children who perished in the Sandy Hook Massacre.
At a heavenly press conference held the following day, Christ — the Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc. — told reporters that he wanted to keep the children abreast of what was happening back home, and decided to do so during the regularly scheduled “Story Time with Jesus” hour that is held every day in Heaven.
“Obviously Trump and the NRA don’t give two Dad-damns about these kids, or any kids,” Christ said, “but the song’s not a lie. I love the little children. All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in my sight. You know, now that I repeat those lyrics out loud in a modern context, we really gotta fix that ‘red and yellow’ bullshit. I’ll make a note.”
Christ said that he doesn’t get involved with the political affairs of mortals, but he knew that a bunch of first graders might have a hard time understanding what Trump was saying.
“Not because they’re not smart enough obviously,” Christ said, “but because he’s so fucking stupid. I honestly don’t understand about a third of the words that come out of his mouth. Unintelligible would be a step up for that orange fuck.”
During his speech, Trump told the NRA audience Americans “can’t be complacent.” Trump told them that we are living in “dangerous times,” and that “these are horrible times for certain, obvious reasons.”
“Yeah, horrible because a bunch of scared, easily-duped morons bought Reaganomics on steroids and elected a D-list reality-TV star,” Jesus told reporters, “but I withheld that commentary when i was reading the transcript to the kids. I’m not going to try and influence their political views, after all. But my Dad what a horrifically ironic thing for that idiot to say, huh?”
Mr. Christ said that when Trump told his audience they “have a true friend and champion in the White House” and that “no longer will federal agencies be coming after law-abiding gun owners,” he wanted to vomit.
“Barack Obama didn’t confiscate a single gun,” Christ said, “and he didn’t even sign a single law that restricted anyone’s right to get one. He sure did try after those kids were killed, but thank Dad his Congress had the sense to not even do the littlest of things to help society, otherwise we might never hear the end of it from this gun fucks. Oh wait. We won’t anyway…Me-Sus Christ.”
Ultimately, Jesus says he has “no dog in the fight” because everyone winds up seeing him one way or the other. However, he said it seems “crazy” to him that some Americans view guns as “benevolent enforcers of some sacred right or another” instead of the deadly weapons they’re designed to be.
“Owning a gun doesn’t make you a bad person,” Christ said, “owning five guns doesn’t. Wanting to do everything in your power to stop making progress toward curbing Sandy Hook style slayings, though? Yeah, that makes you a cockface. No constitutionally protected freedom will let me send these twenty kids back down to their parents. No lofty legalese about the right of the people not being infringed will suddenly make it logical to put a gun in every idiot’s hands who wants one. So do I wish Americans would pull their heads out of their asses on guns? Of course.”
Just then a reporter told Jesus that Trump had just the U.S. could be facing a “major, major conflict” with North Korea.
“Well, maybe none of this will matter in time anyway,” Christ said, “now that the people have spoken and put a Pee Pee Partying Pussy Grabber in the White House. C’est la Republican.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.
