Trump to Shoot Somebody on Fifth Avenue to Celebrate MLK Day

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Washington, D.C. — President Trump casually mentioned that he plans on shooting “somebody” on New York City’s Fifth Avenue in honor of Martin Luther King Day later this month. The comments, which were sandwiched between questions about border security and the Mueller investigation, caught the press corp off guard.

“The President just slipped that crazy comment in,” said CNN chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta speaking to Wolf Blitzer. “I had just finished asking him about compromising with the Democrats on his border wall, and he said that he planned on shooting several people on Fifth Avenue because ‘he was the President.’ He also said that he planned on ‘shooting people from each race’ to prove he’s ‘fair, racially speaking. They’re all janitors anyway.'”

Following his comments, White House released a memo confirming that President Trump was indeed planning on shooting “several people” on his annual trip to New York City to celebrate Martin Luther King Day and that nothing would come of it.

“The President has been doing this for years, and no one has cared until he became President,” said Press Secretary Sarah Sanders caught trying to sneak out of the White House. “The President is a man who does what he says. And when he told America¬†he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose any voters, he meant it. Just like how Mexico is going to pay for this border wall out of the tax revenues of Americans.”

When asked why Mr. Trump chose Martin Luther King day, Ms. Sanders grew irritated.

“Because that’s the day he’s always done it. It’s at the end of the month, and he’s used to doing it out in front of his rental properties to remind tenants to pay their rent on time.”

It’s unclear what weapon the President will use this year. In the past, he’s used a 9mm handgun, which interestingly is illegal in New York City. White House insiders say now that he’s the Commander-in-Chief, he might choose heavier and more powerful weapons like an M1 Tank or maybe even one of “his” new “invisible” F-35 fighter jets.

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