Trump Consoles Himself By Looking Forward to Less Time With ‘Homewrecker’ Jared Kushner

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This story first appeared on Alternative Facts.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — To say that President Donald Trump has given “mixed signals” about whether or not he accepts the results of last month’s defeat he suffered at the hands of President-elect Joe Biden since states and the Electoral College certified them would be quite an understatement.

Trump has remained publicly quite strident in his refusal to concede, now resting all his hopes for overturning the election result on the perfunctory constitutionally mandated final certification of the votes by Congress on January 6th 2021. However, outgoing President Trump has also signed a flurry of controversial pardons and clemency orders in the last couple of weeks, which is typically done by presidents who know they will no longer face consequences at the ballot boxes for those pardons. Today, Trump once more seemed to indicate that he does in fact know he lost last month, and that his time in the Oval Office is waning.

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“Quite frankly, maybe I do want to leave this city, and all the swamp creatures living in it, behind,” Trump told reporters as a single tear formed in his left eye. “You’ve all been so mean to me these last four years. Asking me questions and then holding me accountable for the answers I give? Calling me out every time I lie, even if I try to lie so much it’s impossible to call out every single lie as they happen? That’s all very rude, and very mean, and probably illegal, if I’m being honest.”

Trump indicated that while he will be “super pissed and bigly bummed” if he does in fact have to vacate the White House after Biden is sworn-in on January 20th, 2021, he can see “some major silver linings” as well.

“For starters, I won’t have to see that bastard homewrecker Jared anymore,” Trump lashed out. “I never liked him, that interloper. He’s always been such a cockblocker, and working so closely with him the last four years has been an absolute nightmare.”

Trump described many instances in which Kushner, his son-in-law, would be speaking to him “about some foreign country bullshit” or “one group of urbans or Mexican-ish people demanding equality blah blah blah” and he’d find himself seething with anger by the time the conversation was over.

“All I could think about was this guy’s hands all over my BEAUTIFUL Ivanka’s body,” Trump explained. “The sex I’d imagine them having would be way better than any sex I could have. I just can’t look at the guy and not think of the home he destroyed when he married my GORGEOUS SEXY IVANKA…that home was MINE!”

Mr. Kushner did not respond to requests for a comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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