Impeachment Lawyers Will Show Senate Republicans the Jar Trump Keeps Their Balls In

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the second impeachment trial of former President Donald J. Trump took place in the U.S. Senate. Mr. Trump, who lost the election, more than 60 lawsuits attempting to nullify or ignore the election results, and a botched coup attempt on January 6th, is the first man to ever occupy the Oval Office and be impeached twice. The second round of articles of impeachment were drafted and passed with just days left in his single term.

Over the course of the last several days, House impeachment managers, Democrats, have made a case, documented and backed-up by direct video and audio evidence, that Mr. Trump incited the insurrection in January, that he knew it would happen, and that he did nothing to stop it. The case presented was so impactful that one Republican senator even changed his vote from weeks prior and agreed that it was constitutional to try a former president, despite what most of his caucus believes.

RELATED: Trump Replaces Impeachment Legal Team With Lionel Hutz

Today, the defense will get their chance to present their case, and they’ve given every indication they intend to create some drama themselves.

“We think our case is an open-and-shut one,” Attorney Lionel Hutz told reporters this morning as he walked into the capitol building, “and that’s because I plan to open my briefcase, show them the jar that the former president keeps all their balls in, and then put the jar back in my briefcase and shut it. See? Open and shut!”

Hutz joined the former president’s legal team this week, adding to the chaos that had already been swirling around his defense against the charges. Mr. Hutz was mostly known as being a personal injury attorney in Springfield, but when Trump became desperate to fill out his team of lawyers, he gave Hutz a call. During that call, Trump told Hutz he wanted to remind the Republicans in the Senate “who still owns their party and their nuts.”

“So he handed me a pickle jar — it turns out you don’t need a jar that big to fit Senate Republican balls into,” Hutz explained, “and told me to just hold this up and make every single one of those guys look right at it for as long as they could.”

While the evidence presented by the House managers is overwhelming and quite damning, very few experts and political observers think enough Republican senators would vote to convict.

“I gotta say, it feels good to be part of a legal defense that I have a shot at actually winning for a change,” Hutz said. “Maybe there’s something to this whole fixing the jury thing after all.”

MORE: For the First Time in Four Years, the President Will Not Honor Victims of the Bowling Green Massacre


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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