FARTS-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH — Former one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. Trump issued a direct statement to one of his most loyal and ardent supporters this morning, demanding that she stop pushing to arm women to keep them from being raped.
On the House floor this week, freshman congressmoron Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) implied that abortion should be illegal with no exceptions for rape. Her argument? That potential rape victims should simply carry a “Glock” and they won’t have a need for an abortion later.
WTF: Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert blames rape victims for their own assaults, saying they should have been armed to fend off rapists.
The vast majority of rape victims—more than two-thirds—are assaulted by someone they know.
— Shannon Watts (@shannonrwatts) September 23, 2021
Shortly after Boebert made her floor speech, Trump loyalists on Twitter had posted his message, written on fake presidential letterhead, demanding that she “immediately and right now retract, take away, and distance yourself” from the comments she made. Re-printed below, verbatim, is Trump’s message for Boebert.
Lauren! What the actual fuck are you suggesting here? I love you. I love your stupidity. It reminds me a lot of a certain blonde, big tittied woman I love very much and dream about and fantasize what life would be like if incest wasn’t such a dirty word. Would you ever go blonde for me, Lauren?
Regardless, I am afraid that at this time I must insist, and even command you as the Real President to immediately and right now retract, take away, and distance yourself from the suggestion that potential rape victims be given a gun to defend themselves. If you don’t, I am afraid I might have to endorse a more pro-MAGA candidate in your upcoming primary.
This is a reckless and dangerous suggestion, Lauren. Do you have any idea what the consequences of this would be? Keep in mind I don’t do consequences, Lauren. But these would be horrible!
If your idea had been in place years ago, I might never have been president! And if I was never president, you damn sure would not have been able to ride my Big Mac stained coattails to power yourself. But even more scary is the idea of what would happen if you got your way right now, in 2021.
I might never be president again, Lauren! Do you want that? You never want to see me sit upon my throne in the Oval Office bathroom? Do you never want to hear me call another country a “shit hole” again, Lauren? Because that’s what happens if potential rape victims get to have guns, Lauren.
I look forward to your immediate retraction, and send you my finest and warmest pussy grabs.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.