HANOI, VIETNAM –Good news for Northern Vietnam today as President Donald Trump has announced the creation of thousands of new jobs as he looks for workers to produce his new range of ‘autograph’ ties.
In an official press release, The Trump Organization (twts -68.0% 666.66) said although “everyone knows the best ties in the world are those in the Trump ‘Signature’ collection,” there are some customers who feel the ties simply do not offer the length that the common racist wants and demands as he goes about his days of care free casual racism and sexual assault.
“It is with pride that The Trump Organization announce the release of the Trump ‘Autograph’ collection of ties,” the press release reads, “which will be available in a range of colors from Ku Klux White to Murderous Red (a shade sometimes known as GOP healthcare).”
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“Of course many Americans will know that Donald Trump is a man of principle who strongly believes in make American and buy American,” the press release adds. “And that is why he makes his clothes in the proud nation of Gina. These new ties however, will be so long that it is simply not possible to make all of each tie in the same country as they simply stretch over the border into Vietnam. We are therefore announcing that we will be opening a new factory just outside the capital, Hanoi, where the thinner half of the ties will be made while workers in Gina create the top parts.”
When asked why the thinner half of the ties will be made in Vietnam and not the other way around, a spokesperson for The Trump Organization said; “It’s not our fault that Hillary didn’t go to Wisconsin and Michigan enough, and the reason we’ve decided to make the ties this way is because the President likes consistency. As we all know, Gina is at the top of Vietnam, and the President strongly believes that the much fatter and thicker things should always be on top.”
Earlier today, following the announcement, our political correspondent ran into House Speaker Paul Ryan (R(acists)– Wisc.) in a Capital building bathroom where he was attempting to wipe blood off his hands. Taking the opportunity, our correspondent asked whether Ryan shared his Democratic colleagues’ sentiments that this new venture by Trump was in violation of various sections of the Constitution, to which he replied, “Look, the President is just doing his job and I don’t want to be drawn into specifics. I will say this though, not only is the President creating thousands of new jobs just like he promised, but the Democrats have spent years complaining that Donald Trump has never been in Vietnam, and now when he’s trying to put it right, they’re complaining again, they’ll never be happy.”
