Trey Gowdy Promises to Investigate Niger Until He Finds Connection to Hillary Clinton and Benghazi

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — A man who was one of the strongest supporters of Congressional Republican investigations into the 2012 attack on a U.S. consular building in Benghazi, Rep. Trey Gowdy of South Carolina, has issued a statement about the recent ambush in Niger that left four Americans dead.

The response from the Trump administration has been a stuttering, inconsistent one, with the president taking days to publicly acknowledge the attack and loss of life, as well as a major dust-up between Trump and the widow of one of the soldiers who was killed in action. In his statement, Gowdy says that the American people can “count on” the same level of “tenacious pursuits of the truth” when it comes to this attack that they saw from him over the Benghazi attack. Gowdy’s statement assures the public that he will “not rest until the truth about Niger is uncovered.”

“I don’t care how long it takes, we will find the truth about Niger,” Gowdy writes, “and Hillary Clinton. We know there’s a connection there, and we just have to find it. And if we don’t find it, we have to make one up and pretend we found it.”

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Mr. Gowdy’s states that he sees “many similarities” between Benhgazi and Niger. All of them, he says, “directly or indirectly lead to Hillary Clinton.”

“Just like with Benghazi,” Gowdy writes, “we will establish the facts, and if we don’t like them we will keep establishing facts until we’ve crafted a narrative our voters believe. That’s my solemn oath to you, the good, clean, ammo hoarding, conspiracy theorizing, Christian American patriots. I will not stop until I have crafted political theater the likes of which you haven’t seen from me in, oh, about six months or so.”

Gowdy believes there is a possibility the two attacks are related to each other, and he wants to find out what that relationship is.

“I have no idea if Hillary ordered the attack in Niger to distract us from the fact that she is very clearly a vampire zombie time traveling assassin droid or some other way less plausible scenario is the truth,” Gowdy wrote, “but I’m not going to stop spending taxpayer dollars until I establish that connection.

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When asked later in the day by reporters if he believed that President Trump or his administration shared any blame or responsibility for the Niger attack with Clinton, Gowdy scoffed.

“What kinda of spurious accusation is that,” Gowdy asked, his trademark Kermit The Frog-meets-Matlock drawl dripping from his words, “Of course Trump ain’t got nothin’ to do with this! He’s a Republican, for chrissakes! Republicans ain’t never done nothin’ wrong no how, hee-yuk, hee-yuk!”

Former Secretary of State Clinton is such a “preternatural threat to American values,” Gowdy writes, that “there is literally nothing bad that has happened in the recorded annals of American history” that she didn’t have some hand in creating.

“Benedict Arnold? That was Hillary’s idea. Genocide of the Natives? Hillary. It turns out Andrew Jackson just wanted to ask them nicely if we could have the land,” Gowdy’s statement reads, “Pearl Harbor? Hillary. Vietnam? Hillary. Watergate? Hillary. 9/11? Hillary times Hillary, plus Hillary equals Hillary! Around every corner from a dark American tragedy lurks the visage of Hillary Clinton, there is no doubt in my mind.”

Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

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