Tennessee Republicans Declare All Children’s Genitals State Property

Published on

A new bill just passed both chambers of the Tennessee state legislature and is headed to the governor’s desk. Once signed into law, all children’s genitals will be state property, and a new taxpayer funded agency will enforce a strict ban on gender affirming care. At a press conference just after the final vote, State Sen. Tom Thompaulsen, a Republican, addressed the new law.

“In this state, we take child sexual mutilation very seriously. That’s why we make sure every circumcision done here in Tennessee is personally inspected and signed-off on by a state gender regulation official,” Thompaulsen said, “just as the good Lord Baby Jesus Christ told us to do in the Bible somewhere. Because we take children’s genital health and stability so seriously, we decided we needed to take the additional step of protecting every kid’s who-who-dilly and dong-wanger from gender affirming care.”

Thompaulsen called this law a “logical step in protecting kids.”

“Imagine the societal decline if we start encouraging kids to become the adults they want to be,” Thompaulsen shuddered. “It’s a frightening idea, thinking of all those adults nliving authentically.”

In several red states, laws banning  gender affirming care for transgender minors are working their ways to governors’ desks. Thompaulsen was asked by one reporter if he thinks it is congruent with his theory of small government to put a government agency in charge of inspecting every kid’s crotch, which was met with laughter.

“Look, the Tennessee Pediatric Gender Squad isn’t hypocritical, not at all. Because for starters, I can’t spell that word, and for seconders, SHUT UP LIBTARD,” Thompaulsen replied.

Now that the state owns every child’s genitals, Thompaulsen said the “obvious next step is to peel the Christofascist onion back one more layer.”

“Obviously, we’re gonna have to make every woman’s vagina and uterus state property as well. We gotta protect the pediatric genital stockpile at all costs, and at all points of interest,” Thompaulsen explained. “Plus, I’ve always wondered what a real-life pussy looks like up close, and this might be my only and best shot!”

@jamboschlarmbo #Tennesee #Republican values on full-display in this #political #satire #politics #politik #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #transrights ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann


Follow James: PostTikTokTwitterInstagramFacebook

Latest articles

Ashley’s Diary, Hunter’s Laptop, Obama’s Birth Certificate, and the Bible: All the Facts I Need

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump 2024 surrogate Dustin Pewpsin....

Betrayal? RFK’s Brain Worms Just Endorsed Donald Trump

"Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything...

Every Former President Ranked from Least to Most Felony Convictions

Our regular readers will likely recall that part of our mission statement here --...

When Will Biden Call Off His War on Rapey Conmen Coup Conspirators?

The following editorial was written by Jethro Bohiggins -- a pro-MAGA singer/songwriter and podcast...