Ted Nugent Credits Clean Lifestyle, Being Total Raging Asshole For Out Living Contemporaries

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SHART BRITCHES, MICHIGAN — Aging, once-briefly-relevant rocker Ted Nugent made national headlines this week when he attacked the survivors of the Parkland, Florida school shooting who started the #NeverAgain movement and organized the #MarchforOurLives.

Since the shooting on Valentine’s Day that took 17 of their fellow students’s and faculty’s lives, several students from Marjoriy Stoneman Douglas High School have organized to demand new gun laws. Among their requests is a new ban on semi-automatic rifles such as the AR-15 used in the Parkland Massacre. The NRA, through its various spokesterrorists, has pushed back against any and all new gun regulations, including the Trump administration’s banning of bump stocks, devices intended to speed up the rate of fire of semi-automatic rifles to nearly match automatic weapons, which have been largely banned in the U.S. for decades.

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As reported by The Miami Herald, Nugent laced into students such as David Hogg and Emma Gonzalez. Nugent said that the Parkland students participating in the activism are “mushy headed” and “have no soul.” Heretofore the NRA, which Nugent is a board member of, have not issued any statements concerning his insults.

“These poor children, I’m afraid to say this and it hurts me to say this, but the evidence is irrefutable. They have no soul.” (Source)

In a new interview with a right-wing radio host on Sinclair Broadcasting’s syndicated network, Nugent was asked how he’s managed to stay so “fit and lucid” when so many of his contemporaries of his Halcyon days have either burned out or died. Nugent, who is still touring the country playing poetry-laced songs like “Wango Tango” and “Cat Scratch Fever,” credited a lifestyle free of drugs and alcohol, as well as being “a complete and utter cunt and total raging asshole” for his longevity.

“Look, a lot of my friends did a lot of drugs and drank a lot of booze, and I didn’t do any of those things. I lived super-duper clean, baby,” Nugent said. “So I think that’s part of my ability to stay alive and vibrant. Then of course, I’m a total and complete cunt, so that helps too.”

Nugent explained further.

“It takes a real cunt to call people who survived mass shootings mushy headed or say they have no soul just because they lived through a tragedy and came out on the other side in favor of new gun laws,” Nugent said. “And I am most assuredly that cunt.”

Nugent said that “being a complete and total prick” to children is “scientifically proven to detoxify” your body. Mr. Nugent credits his steadfast commitment to guns over people with his ability to stay in such good shape.

“If you don’t think of your piece as more important than Johnny Second Grader, then you’re frankly not a real American,” Nugent said emphatically. “And if you’re not willing to scream at the top of your lungs that Killary Clintstoned should suck on your machine gun while that secret Kenyan Communist Sharia lovin’ Obama watches, then frankly, I don’t know why you haven’t been hung for treason.”

The NRA did not comment on this story.

James‘ satire is found on this website as well as on Alternative Science, The Pastiche Post, and The Political Garbage Chute.


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