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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
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Lifestyle

Man’s Dick Denies All Liability For His Actions

VILLAGE DES SaUCISSES, LOUISIANA -- Garth Blanston's dick does not and will not take...
MAGA News

Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together...
MAGA News

Trump Reassures First Lady Coronavirus Is Not Sexually Transmitted

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This afternoon, the president held a press event in the White...
MAGA News

New Poll: 75% of Americans Hope Trump and Kim Jong-un Share a Cardiologist

The results of a newly conducted and released poll seem to indicate that nearly...
Business

Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away

VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA -- Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but...
Science & Medicine

Report: Ow! Fuck! Pins and Needles!

GREEN PORT, LOUISIANA -- Sources close to the situation are reporting that screams and...
Economy

Historians Unearth Draft of Famous Patrick Henry ‘Give Me Retail Shopping and Give Me Death’ Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Researchers at the National Academy of History and Past Events announced...
MAGA News

Trump Says Americans Without Toilet Paper Can Wipe With the Constitution Like He Does

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As his administration grapples with how to best coax states into...
U.S. Politics

Bernie or Bust Voter Won’t Vote For DNC Shill Bernie Sanders After Biden Endorsement

VALLE IZQUIERDA, CALIFORNIA -- When Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden's presidential campaign during a...
Conservative Media

Hannity Accuses Fauci of Being Part of ‘Deep State Plot’ to Make Trump ‘Look Bad By Saving Lives’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- On his radio show this morning, Fox News host...
MAGA News

Ghoulish Narcissistic Con Man: “Who Gives a Fuck How Many People Die If My TV Ratings Are Good?!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A tubby, ghoulish, narcissistic con man -- who somehow managed to...
U.S. Politics

RBG: “Hey Assholes! I’m Not Immortal, So Which Old White Guy You Trust More to Find My Replacement?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg issued an urgent press release...
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Latest articles

Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)