DACHAU, GERMANY — Over the weekend, White House Senior Racism Adviser Stephen Miller got married to Vice President Reverend Mike Pence’s press secretary, and his wedding was attended by none other than President Donald J. Trump himself. Scholars are still researching whether this was the first wedding attended by a permanently impeached sitting president. However, by all accounts a good time was had by the newlyweds and their guests.
“Stephen Miller and Katie Waldman were wed today in a beautiful ceremony at Washington, D.C.’s Trump hotel,” a statement from the White House read, “and were quite pleased to have the First Couple attend. Mr. and Mrs. Miller were delighted that the president wasn’t too tuckered out from being at the Daytona 500 earlier that day to attend their nuptials.”
Like a lot of newlyweds, the Millers decided they wanted to take a honeymoon together. According to press reports, there were a handful of places that Miller said he “flat out” refused to go to. Several sources close to the situation say he was adamant about one country in particular.
“I heard him look Katie right in the eye and tell her under no circumstances would they be going to Cabo San Lucas, Puerto Vallarta, or any city in Mexico,” one of Miller’s friends told us on the condition of anonymity. “Apparently, Stephen’s absolutely frightened of Mexico and Mexicans, which of course explains his immigration policies, but it also directly impacted where he took Katie on their honeymoon, too.”
While the Millers tried to keep the press from finding out exactly where they were going to spend their honeymoon together, Mr. Miller’s uncontrollable excitement wound up leading reporters right to them. Reportedly, Miller was having so much fun on his honeymoon trip, he kept letting out shrieks of utter joy. The shrieking was so loud that within an hour or two, German newspapers had tracked the happy couple down in Dachau, specifically on a tour of one of the most infamous concentration camps installed by Adolf Hitler.
When the reporters found Miller touring one of the gas chambers at the campsite, he agreed, reluctantly, to answer some questions.
“What can I say? I like to mix business and pleasure whenever possible,” Miller explained. “When Katie and I were discussing options for a honeymoon, Dachau was at the top of my list. When we found out they do tour packages here, we made sure to book the fascist route possible, once our wedding ceremony was concluded. It was a chance to kill two birds with one stone — do some research to bring home some ideas for our border camps back home, and get a lovely, relaxing time away from it all with my new wife. I couldn’t be happier with our vacation so far.”
The couple was asked why they chose such sites for their vacation, considering both Miller and the former M.s Waldman are American Jews, and their locations they selected were all associated with the Holocaust. A wan smile crept across Miller’s face as he answered.
“Well, if Candace Owens and Kanye West can wear MAGA hats,” Miller said, “then surely I can do some academic research of concentration camps with my beloved new wife on my honeymoon, can I not?”
The Millers won’t just stay in Dachau for the duration of their honeymoon. Stephen announced that he and Katie would be touring a Auschwitz as well. But their honeymoon won’t just have them touring historical World War II sites, he said. The couple will also jet off to the U.S. southern border once the European leg of their honeymoon has concluded.
“We want to see if we can apprehend a couple of illegal Mexicans and bring them to our glorious border camps ourselves,” Miller explained. “Of course, we’ll settle for some illegal Mexican-ish, or Mexican-looking individuals, but boy we’d really love to make the lasting memory of breaking up a brown family with our bare hands, too. Then once that part’s over, we’re headed to stay a plantation in Georgia that lets you bully a black person if you buy the upgraded stay and slave package. Needless to say, we’re both pumped about that.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.