WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Republicans sought assurances from President Joe Biden’s nominee for the post that, if confirmed, he would not use the office of the Attorney General of the United States like his predecessor did.

“Sir, I understand that for the entirety of his presidency, we let Joe Biden’s racist, moronic predecessor treat the Attorney General like his personal attorney,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (Q-SC) told Judge Merrick Garland, “but that was then. This is now. And let me just warn you, we may have looked the other way on their corruption and abuse, but if you even so much as fart when I don’t think you should, and I will rain down Hell upon you, good sir!”

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Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) was equally gruff with Garland.

“Do you remember how we fucked you so hard last time, Merrick? No hearings for you, you remember that,” Cruz asked, referencing the fact that Garland didn’t even get a hearing when Barack Obama nominated him to fill a vacant Supreme Court seat. “Well, we’re gonna crawl right back up your poop chute, Mr. Garland, and I assure you that I will never, ever forget that you were nominated by a Democrat, which means the rules are just, constitutionally speaking, very much so different than they were for the last four years.”

Sen. Josh Hawley (Q-MO) warned Garland that he “won’t hesitate to insurrect the living the hell” out of the judge if he “remotely steps out of line.”

“I don’t know if you know this, sir, but the mob I’m…sort of a God,” Hawley said with a smug smile. “And while this is a nice Attorney General nomination you got here, it would be a real shame if someone insurrected you. Don’t tempt me, sir.”

South Carolina’s Lindsey Graham blasted Garland’s “reluctance to continue the best policies of the previous administration” and warned that “America will suffer greatly” if the Department of Justice doesn’t continue to shield the former president from prosecution.

“We say that no one is above the law, but that’s not really true, and in my opinion it shouldn’t be,” Graham said. “I promise you, I’m not just saying this because the former president has serious dirt on me. Why would I say that out loud? SHIT! GO TO THE NEXT GUY, DURBIN!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.