Sean Hannity Will Stop Defending Trump When He Finishes Sucking The President’s Dick

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News host Sean Hannity hosted a Facebook Live video and addressed his critics, many of whom have said that his already very questionable journalistic integrity has been permanently damaged by Hannity’s clearly partisan defense of everything that Trump says or does during his tenure in office.

Hannity, during the Facebook Live appearance, said that he plans to start being more critical of Trump, just as soon as he finishes the blowjob he’s in the middle of giving the co-president.

“Here’s the thing,” Hannity said, briefly pulling Trump’s semi-flaccid genitalia that can only be loosely described as a penis out and away from his mouth, “Donald’s cum tastes really, really good.”

Mr. Hannity explained himself further to the audience.

“I mean, if you drank it,” Hannity continued, “I don’t know that you’d like it, per se, but all I know is that when that shriveled Shrinky-Dink of a dick is scraping my uvula, I know I’m in the for a tangerine surprise I’ll not soon forget.”

Hannity said that even if he didn’t “completely agree” with everything Trump says or does, even before he says or does it, he’d “still want to suck that dick just so [he] can bathe in Donald’s racist baby batter.”

“But yeah, of course I’ll defend his wild tantrums and mood swings,” Hannity continued, “My whole career has been based not on getting a principled conservative elected, but a Republican.”

Hannity said that he’s just a “rah-rah team player politics guy.” Mr. Hannity claims he’s “bought whole hog into whatever it is that Trump’s got in store.”

“If he comes out in favor of abortion tomorrow,” Hannity said, “I’ll suck his dick real quick, donate to Planned Parenthood, go get my medical degree, and then I’ll perform abortions myself. I don’t care about anything but being a Republican with a Republican in the White House. My one-dimensional thinking simply does not, cannot, and will not allow me to be intellectually honest about a guy who is clearly a shit show of a human being as much as he’s a shit show of a president.”

Mr. Hannity claims that his inability to say anything critical of Trump, ever, comes from something very basic and very simple that he’s missing in his own character makeup.

“I have no moral compass,” Hannity said, “I have no fucking morals, period, really. How could I? All I have is partisanship. So I don’t see his faults. I don’t see his flaws. Just his throbbing, Republican dick, and I need that Republican dick way, way, way down deep in me.”

As he signed off from the video, Mr. Trump just out of frame, Hannity explained very clearly why the public shouldn’t expect him to change his behavior toward the co-president any time soon.

“Hey, I had to fight off Ann Coulter, Tammy Lahren, Lauren Ingraham, Dinesh D’Souza, and Scott Baio to get down here,” Hannity said, sliding the co-president’s mangled manhood out of his mouth to articulate his thought clearly, “and I’ll be damned if I’m giving up my spot in the pecking order so soon.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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