Congressional Republican Cites Runaway Spending As Why Transgender And Poor Kids Should Suffer

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Republicans in congress and the White House made two moves that directly impacted children.

In the House of Representatives, Republicans advanced a bill that would drastically cut the number of free lunches provided to poor students. In another move aimed at students, Co-President Donald Trump, with permission from Co-President Steve Bannon and Russian President Vladimir Putin, rescinded an Obama Era order protecting the rights of transgender students to use whichever bathroom their gender identity makes themselves more comfortable with. Republicans faced intense scrutiny and backlash over these moves, and today Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) held a press conference at the request of the Republican National Committee to allay some of the criticism his party has faced.

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“All true, real, good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God fearing patriots have known for a long, long time that we have an out of control spending problem in this country,” Thompaulsen told reporters, “and it’s just absolutely absurd, un-American, and frankly Communist as hell to suggest that we could help make up for our shortfalls by asking rich people to pay an extra few pennies on their dollars, or worse yet, ask them to stop stuffing cash in offshore tax havens.”

Thompaulsen said the “best and only” way to fix the spending problem in Washington is to “gut, cut, trash and thrash” certain programs.

“Ask yourselves this,” Thompaulsen said, “is it okay to literally rape, murder, and steal from someone just to educate children? Because that’s exactly what taxes that pay for schools do, by the way. They murder, rape and steal from rich people, like, literally.”

On the subject of Trump not protecting trans children’s rights to bathroom access, Thompaulsen pointed to traditional Republican ways of seeing issues.

“We’re a states rights party,” Thompaulsen said, “so we believe in letting the states decide every issue. Except abortion. And legalized marijuana. And gay marriage. And where transgender people can poop or pee, you see? It’s all very consistent in a totally inconsistent way. You understand.”

Rep. Thompaulsen insisted that these moves also “comport perfectly” with traditional, Christian values.

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“Did Jesus really love the little children,” Thompaulsen asked, “or is that just libtarded conspiracy theories? You tell me.”

In the end, Thompaulsen said that “every American” has to make “certain sacrifices,” and that it’s un-American for even children to eschew that sacrifice.

“It’s simple,” Thompaulsen insisted, “kids should go to their charter schools for two hours a day, learn everything they can about the Bible in science class, and then go home and get ready to go to work. A two hour school day would leave kids with like 22 other hours a day to work, and transgender kids can just piss and shit in the fields they do their manual labor in. There are pro-market solutions people, that’s all we’re saying.”

This is a developing story.


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