Moscovia, Kievan Rus’ — Following Donald Trump’s inauguration, Vladimir Putin, pictured above shitting his pants at the mention of President Zelenskyy, today called a surprise press conference from his underground bunker — a place he is rumored to spend much of his time because, as insiders confirm, he’s a weak-ass pussy bitch.
Clinging to the edge of his desk so as to stop it floating away, the delicate little daffodil addressed a carefully curated group of loyalists — all rumored to live exclusively below the third floor for “security reasons.” Behind him, an oversized map labeled “Definitely Russia,” in Sharpie, with the word Russia spelled incorrectly, the Russian leader, whose grasp on reality is as shaky as his hands, began:
“The return of The Donald to the presidency of the United States is of serious concern to the Soviet Union —”
“Don’t you mean the Russian Federation?” interjected one journalist who doesn’t like his family very much. Flustered, Putin was seen frantically mashing a large red button on his desk to no effect. Kremlin sources later confirmed that the trapdoor the button operated has recently been repossessed by China over “unpaid friendship loans.”
After an awkward pause, Xi Jinping’s tea boy continued, “I am deeply concerned. This change in power could greatly destabilize global democracy,” his voice quivering like a poorly tuned balalaika.
As the gaggle erupted into frenzied applause, one attendee clapped so hard they fainted from overexertion of the hands — an event not uncommon in the presence of the dear leader. The room reportedly settled down as a man who two weeks ago was working as a cashier in a Pyongyang supermarket dragged the unconscious journalist of the room and had him replaced by an equally sycophantic stand-in.
To illustrate his point, the Ayatollah’s fan club president explained, “Take Russia for example. In Russia we have a great democracy that elected Putin — that’s me — with over 168% of the vote.
“And in Russia, we have improved the lives of every red worker. Wages have doubled — from ₽500,000 roubles to ₽1,000,000 roubles every year!” he continued. “That’s an increase from $17,000 United States dollars to over $9,000 United States dollars!”
As those present nodded dutifully, one journalist whispered, “How does he do it?” while trying to suppress his urge to cry with pride. Another was seen to scribble notes so aggressively his pen snapped, prompting a nearby Kremlin guard to hand over a replacement with a wink wink.
Returning to his main point, Kim Jong Un’s golf caddy warned, “The Donald is a clear threat to our way of life. He’s loud, unpredictable, and could easily steal all the attention away from me. There he is, trying to nuke hurricanes, while we’re over here conducting a…” Putin paused, glancing at his hand before reading, “…special operation.”
Putting was noted to have spent a moment frowning at his withered hand after noticing “special” was also spelt incorrectly, before musing to the room, “What are we supposed to do about The Donald?”
“But he’s on our side,” pointed out one journalist, not realizing the question had been rhetorical. As the journalist made a mental note to walk rather than drive home, Putin buffered before muttering, “Good point… pee-pee tape.”
As the conference wrapped up, Putin is reported to have made an attempt at a grand exit in an effort to exert his dominance and compensate. One source says the 72-year-old former extreme ironing grandmaster stood up from his booster seat with such vigor, he toppled over, arms flailing for support as he hit the floor. A second source adds the upcoming recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom then accidentally grabbed a nearby portrait of himself wresting a bear while topless, sending the painting crashing down on top of him.
“If any of you speak a word of this, I know where you live,” he is reported to have commented as several aids rushed over to help, discreetly passing him a walker.
As staff distributed transcripts of what he actually said to the room, Putin was seen to storm out of the room — slowly — leaving behind a tension that could have left journalists clinging to their seats, had they too not also been repossessed.
A carrier pigeon was despatched to ask the Kremlin for comment, but the pigeon, affectionally nicknamed “Featheryakov,” was promptly shot and, in a tragic twist, is now slated to be the main course at an upcoming state banquet — garnished with parsley and denial.
