Weighed down by accusations that the pushback against Black Lives Matter protesters constitutes an attack on First Amendment rights, and in the wake of DC mayor Muriel Bowser’s invocation of the Third Amendment to attempt the removal of active duty military personnel from area hotels, the Trump administration announced today that they would seek to replace all other Constitutional amendments currently in America’s most sacred document with the verbiage of the Second Amendment.
“Our friends over at the NRA, great friends, tremendous friends, very fine people, they showed me how, on the computer, to take words from one place, and you just copy it, and you paste it over another, except it’s not really paste, which I kind of wish it was, because paste, let me tell you folks, it tastes great sometimes, but it’s got to be the good stuff, American stuff, not that terrible stuff from China, only American paste, but you paste it, and now those words are in the new place, and that’s what we’re gonna do with the second, over all those other nasty amendments, which I already knew how to do that of course, because I’m so great with computers, a lot of people don’t know that about me, absolutely tremendous with computers, never had a class, but programmers, they’re always telling me how much I understand this stuff, and they’re surprised by that, but they shouldn’t be, because I have a very large brain, maybe I’m just naturally gifted, I don’t know, but my uncle–” [ed. note: the remainder of this quote, which continued for fully two more minutes, is redacted for the purpose of space]
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An NRA spokesperson confirmed that representatives from the organization had demonstrated, upon request, how to do this on a workstation in the White House during their weekly policy briefing visit, but that it had only been on a saved image of the Constitution, and they had presumed it was for a Twitter post or a joke. The spokesperson declined to comment on whether they believed, in hindsight, that the president realized this was not effecting change on the physical document itself.
NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre praised the move as a bold step towards streamlining what he referred to as the, “lesser, unnecessary components of an archaic document that was clearly written by our forefathers in a time when there was far less of an emphasis placed on the need to shoot people on a day to day basis.”
Legal counsel for the ACLU was considerably less enthusiastic.
“He what? No, no, you know what. I’m not even surprised. Why not. Nothing matters or means anything anymore. God is dead and the American electorate has killed him. This is our purgatory. Let me go, I have to hire more lawyers.”
High ranking officials within the administration indicated that Trump initially planned on making the change via executive order, before being advised that such changes to the Constitution required a national ballot initiative. A regularly placed Freedom of Information Act request for White House staff expenditure reports the following day, however, showed a requisition for a disconcerting amount of Wite-Out, which the administration has refused to comment on.
