President Hillary Clinton Divulges Secrets to Russians, Congressional Republicans Cool With It

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BIZARRO WASHINGTON D.C. — Today the world found out that President Hillary Clinton willingly gave two Russian envoys highly sensitive, classified intelligence without permission from the source. The intel leak came during a closed-door meeting between Clinton and the Russians in which the U.S. press pool was not invited. Last week, the Russian state media agency released pictures of a smiling Clinton and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.

The reaction on the Hill has been surprising to say the least. Democrats, perhaps predictably, have lined-up to defend Clinton, saying she has the “absolute right” to classify or de-classify anything she wants to. The surprising reactions to what should be a bombshell report, especially just barely over a hundred days in office, came from the Republicans. While a handful of them made statements to the effect of it being “troubling” or “disturbing,” the majority of Republicans asked about it didn’t raise many concerns.

“Oh, that’s fine,” Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) told reporters this morning, “she’s the president. If she wants to do something, she has the right to do it. Literally anything. That’s what our Constitution says, right? Of course it does, I’m a Republican and therefore I know more about the Constitution automatically. So just trust me. This is super-totes okay.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell joined his Kentucky compatriot Senator Paul in shrugging off the story.

“Well now, I do declare,” McConnell intoned, “once I cleared the sixteen gallons of tears out of my massive, always wet eyes and peaked my head out of my shell, I determined that as president, Hillary Clinton can do anything she wants and I frankly don’t care about her giving intel to the Russians.”

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) took time from his daily schedule of casing warehouses to burn down for the insurance money to ask one question of the reporters before giving his own take on the situation.

“Did she email the information to the Russians,” Issa asked. When reporter said no and in fact Clinton had just blurted the intelligence out, Issa replied, “Oh, who gives a fuck then?”

Initially, the Clinton White House had tried to deny the reports. National Security Adviser Barack Hussein Obama came out from the White House late last evening to tell everyone that “nothing bad happened” and he swore on his “Sharia bible” that “at no time were intelligence sources or methods discussed.”

“Hey, it’s all good peeps,” Obama said, “I was there. I wasn’t in the pictures, but I promise I was there. This whole story is being blown out of proportion, and I swear on my Sharia bible that at not time were intelligence sources or methods discussed.”

This morning though, as she has been wont to do since being sworn into office, Clinton tweeted rapidly at 3am in the morning about her decision to leak the information to the Russians.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

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