Pope Francis and Kim Davis Meet, Discuss Bigotry and Baking Recipes

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VATICAN CITY, THE VATICAN — Sources close to both Pope Francis and embattled Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis are confirming that a secret, closed-door meeting was held between the two during the Holy Pontificator’s visit to the United States last week.

Word of the clandestine meeting between the Catholic Church’s highest-ranking hat wearer and America’s most famous bigot broke without many details, and many wondered if the meeting was a fabrication of Davis’ lawyers much like the hoax picture of an alleged prayer rally for their client was. However, the Vatican would later confirm that the meeting took place. Now, the details of the meeting have been fully released to the press, and for the most part there will be little surprise as to what was discussed.

“Pope Francis and Mrs. Davis discussed God, Christianity, and whether or not a position of power entitles you to tell another adult who they can love and be married to,” Vatican spokesman Larry Flemboign told members of the media at the Holy See’s weekly press conference. “They also of course discovered they each have a love of baking, and they swapped several recipes.”

One source very close to Davis who spoke on condition of anonymity and a lunch from Chik-Fil-A told reporters that Davis was “just over the moon” to meet the Pope and that she came away “knowing [she and Pope Francis] had a lot in common.” After discussing the possibility of Davis wearing a tall hat to show those who come into her clerk’s office that she holds power handed to her directly from God, the two also discussed their favorite Snickerdoodle recipes.

“The Pope likes to use extra brown sugar,” the source told us, “but Kim likes to stick to the recipe her grandmother gave her that calls for equal amounts of brown sugar and white sugar.” Reportedly, the Pope and Davis also both agreed that chocolate chip cookies are great, but adding almonds or walnuts makes them “balls out awesome,” Davis’ friend told the press.

There was one bone of contention, however, when the Pope asked if Davis had considered stepping aside so a man could do her job for her. “After all,” the Pope was quoted as saying, “I’m a really progressive guy on a lot of stuff, but I still believe in a woman not controlling her own sexual autonomy, and I will never support women in the priesthood.” The Pope reportedly told Davis that “just a pinch of traditional misogyny can go a long way to solving all the world’s problems.”

Ms. Davis reportedly didn’t take the suggestion all that offensively however, because she agreed that “in the end, discriminating against gay people is more important than anything else,” Davis’ friend said. “Both Kim and Pope Francis agree on one key, central point — that they should ignore the teachings of the guy their religion is based on and instead sit in judgment of and hurt people they perceive as sinners,” the source told reporters, “and so that bond of mutual, willful ignorance will patch over any places they disagree.”

“Besides,” the source later said, “they both walked away from the meeting with so many new recipes to try, it would’ve been considered a success from that stand point alone.”

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