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Ted Cruz Hands Arsonist Gas and Matches and Tells Him to Stop Setting Fire...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He would later tell reporters he "wasn't quite sure what was thinking," but today Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump's Taint) found...
Ted Cruz Will Demand Congress Certify He’s a Ball-less Douche With an Ugly Wife
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Before the 2016 presidential race, Sen. Ted Cruz had a wife named Heidi whose looks had never been the subject of...
Chanel Rion, Sean Hannity, Ted Cruz Argue Over What Exactly Donald Trump’s Taint Tastes...
It got ugly, it got heated, and sixteen hours later, three of President Donald Trump's most loyal sycophants were not any closer to settling...
Last Week, Ted Cruz Met With Trump’s Balls for a Supreme Court Argument Strategy...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court of the United States will not hear the suit brought by the Attorney General of Texas against four...
Ted Cruz Says Trump’s Dick “Tastes Like a Lifetime Appointment”
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Scholars of American history perhaps have never answered the question before, but certainly there's never been a need to before the...
Ron Perlman Offers to Cast Ted Cruz In “Go To Hell, Boy”
HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- Actor Ron Perlman has reportedly reached out to a Republican senator and offered him a part in an upcoming movie. It's...
Coronavirus Qurantines Itself From Ted Cruz
TEXAS -- A spokesperson for the novel coronavirus issued a statement this morning announcing that her client had decided to self-quarantine from Sen. Ted...
Ted Cruz: “The Democrats Just Learned You Can’t Impeach a Monarch in a Coronation...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It was never any big secret on the Hill. President Donald John Trump, the third impeached president in American history, was...
Ted Cruz: “If I Wasn’t a Smarmy, Partisan Cunt Maybe I’d Care About Trump...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a wild and unforeseen development, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump's Urethra) called himself a profanity in reference to his seeming indifference...
Ted Cruz: “Why Do Democrats Cry Over Terrorists From Other Countries But Vilify the...
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was absolutely brutalized by then-candidate Donald Trump during the 2016 Republican primary. Trump accused Cruz's father of...
