Obama Mistakenly Receives Early Christmas Card from Defense Contractor

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Obama Administration confirmed to the press late this week that President Barack Obama was the recipient of an extremely early Christmas card, mistakenly sent by a Michigan defense contractor company.

“Earlier this week, the president received a very early Christmas card from Blam-Co,” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters at a Thursday morning briefing. Earnest said the White House was announcing the receipt of an ordinary Christmas card in compliance with a little-known 2004 law passed by Congress that requires all government agencies declare their holiday gifts, to avoid any implications of quid pro quo. “It was a lovely card with gold leaf letters, and a very nicely drawn tree with snow covering its boughs,” Earnest said of the card.

The message on the inside of the card was simple, “We just wanted to thank you for our gift this year, Mr. President.” When asked what gift the card was referring to, Earnest said told reporters the gift is in reference to the Obama administration deciding not to pull out of Afghanistan, and instead to leave roughly 5,500 American troops in place, essentially indefinitely. Obama’s successor could decide to finally end the longest war in U.S. history, but for now, Earnest said, Blam-Co was just expressing their appreciation for the decision.

“We at Blam-Co love serving our country, and our profit margins, and we are so thrilled that President Obama decided to extend the Afghan War forever,” Chet Gladwell, CEO of Blam-Co told reporters at the company’s monthly conference call with investors. “We didn’t mean to send that card so early, but I’m sure glad we did,” Gladwell further said, “because it shows the whole country that this administration is committed to keeping our economy propped up with implements of war, like so many other presidents before him, and in this time of great upheaval, consistency is extremely nice to have.”

The Obama administration thus far has not announced that it received any cards or gift baskets from other defense contractors. Earnest did however  say they are preparing the same room in the White House that is used every year to store defense contractor gifts. “It’s a pretty big room,” Earnest said, “and we pretty much fill it to capacity. Between the decision to keep the Afghanistan War going forever and our continued engagement in Syria, the military industrial complex loves this administration.”

“I don’t think any of them expected seven years ago when the president won that they’d have such a warm relationship with him all these years later,” Earnest said at the briefing. “He came in making liberals’ pants moist with promises to scale back the War on Terror,” Earnest pointed out, “and that had everyone in the MIC really worried for awhile. But once they saw his continuance of the drone program, they got a feeling that he too would be very helpful in keeping their profit margins up, and it’s been a match made in bomb heaven ever since.”

The United States of America has been at war in Afghanistan since October 7th, 2001. It is the longest running war in the nation’s history. Estimates for the cost of the war reach the $6 trillion mark. More than 3,500 Americans have lost their lives in Afghanistan thus far.

Latest articles

If I Don’t Have a Biden Flag, Biden Shoes, or Biden Bible, Am I Really Voting for Biden?

PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election? JAMES: Well, I don't fuck my cousin, so I know...

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...