North Carolina Governor Deputizes Ty-D Bol Man to Patrol State’s Bathrooms

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RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA — The battle over North Carolina’s public places of defecation and micturation has a new combatant — Roger “Ty-D Bol” McGee.

McGee, long the spokesman for Ty-D Bol bathroom cleaning products, was made a deputy by North Carolina’s Republican Governor Pat McCrory at a special ceremony. McCrory says the Ty-D Bol Man’s main focus will be “cleaning up the state’s public restrooms” by ensuring “only girls go pee-pee in girl places” and “only boys go boom-boom in boy places.” McCrory cited McGee’s nautical experience as a chief reason he enlisted the corporate mascot for the job he calls “the most important job since Paul Revere rode his horse” and is related to “the most important thing since 9/11.”

“We already know the Ty-D Bol man can clean up tough spots on toilets,” McCrory said, “and he’s also a top-notch sailor. While on board the S.S. Ty-D Bol, he was the deck officer and in charge of making sure the crew was following all the rules of the sea, as well as the rules of giant ships named after toilet cleaning products, of course.”

Gov. McCrory said that he had initially wanted to reach out to Mr. Clean, but because he wears an earring, a traditionalist like McCrory had reservations.

“I mean, he looks like a big, brawny man,” McCrory said, “and he obviously identifies as a man. But he wears an earring! What if that’s because he also identifies as a woman? Isn’t my job to have an opinion on things in his life that don’t pertain to me at all?” Ultimately, McCrory said that he went with the Ty-D Bol man because he’d “never heard of a bunch of sailors doing gay stuff” with each other, and figured that meant something.

Mr. McGee will be given “as large a budget as he needs” to effectively patrol every single bathroom in the Tarheel State. McCrory said it was “absolutely vital” that McGee be allowed to find and train a task force of law enforcement officer solely intended to “ensure that poop and pee goes in their gender specific places” because “that stuff matters so, so much in the grand scheme of things.”

“What kind of state would we be living in,” McCrory asked at the press conference announcing McGee’s deputizing, “if I just let people piss and shit in any bathroom they want, and only prosecuted sex crimes when they happened, instead of trying to go all Minority Report on my state’s transgender people?”

McCrory insisted he was acting well within his “small government” principles when he signed HB2 into law, and he plans to take his state’s lawsuit against the Department of Justice for blocking its enforcement all the way to the Supreme Court if he has to.

“Nothing says small government like making it small enough to be in every toilet stall in your state,” Gov. McCrory said with satisfaction in his voice, “and even though there is not a scrap of evidence that suggests child molesters and sexual predators want or need the legal cover of an anti-discrimination law to perpetrate their crimes, as a religious conservative my boogey men are more important than someone’s civil rights. You understand, of course.”

The Ty-D Bol Man, said in his own statement that he was initially under the impression he’d be doing what he does best, “cleaning off stubborn shit stains” by ushering McCrory out of the governor’s mansion, into a rail car, and out of the state forever. But he said “a paycheck’s a paycheck” so he’ll do what he can to enforce HB2, but only when he’s not actually scrubbing toilets.\

“Which keeps me pretty busy, so I don’t know how much genital inspection I’ll be getting done anyhow,” McGee told reporters.

HB2 has been controversial since its drafting and has cost the state several million dollars in tax revenue already from various companies and artists canceling projects and performances in North Carolina in protest of it being signed into law.

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