Mike Pence Returns Classified Docs and Hunter Biden’s Dick Pics to Proper Authorities

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This morning, a courier hired by former Vice President High Priest Mike Pence delivered unmarked envelopes to two different locations. When asked about this on Fox News, Pence explained why he hired the courier.

“I told that nice, strapping, hard bodied, muscle-bound young man with the courier service to take one envelope containing the classified docs my aides found in my possession to the FBI,” Pence explained, “and I told him to take his gorgeous bee-hind over to the White House so he could deliver the envelope full of Hunter Biden’s peener snaps to the president. I figured his dad can make sure Hunter gets them.”

Pence offered no explanation for how classified materials ended up in his possession. However, he was able to explain how he came to have several photos of Hunter Biden’s penis.

“I accidentally printed them out from my phone, and then I also accidentally had them laminated so I could accidentally study them in the shower,” Pence said. “You know, for opposition research. I might have to face Joe Biden in 2024, and knowing everything I can about the shape and texture of his son’s dong could really give me a leg-up in the debates.”

Pence indicated that if President Biden doesn’t want to take possession of his son’s dick pics, he can send them back to the former vice president for “safe keeping.”

“I understand that Joe might not have a use for pictures of his son’s genitals, but we God-fearing patriots do. In fact, I would argue that anyone who doesn’t have a stated interest in seeing Hunter’s peen is probably some kind of Marxist liberal terrorist,” Pence insisted. “But just for safe keeping, Joe can send those pics back to me, and I won’t even tell Mother I have them. He can trust me.”

@jamboschlarmbo Ummm. #MikePence #classifieddocuments #satire #politics #politik #fyp ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann


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