Why Does Matt Walsh Think About My Sons’ Dicks So Often?

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Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that he has all kinds of very valid reasons for it, but I can’t deny it — I’m a little confused about why Matt Walsh thinks about my sons’ dicks so much.

I mean, I’m their father, and I gotta be honest here, I don’t think about their genitals. Like, at all. Not since the diapering days have I thought remotely about my kids’ junk. Maybe that makes me a bad parent? Apparently, to Matt and people who think like Matt thinks, that could be the case.

Or, now that I think of it, Matt might think I’m not a good adult because I don’t spend enough time thinking about other people’s kids’ crotches. Matt reportedly has six kids of his own with his wife, so I’m not quite sure why he has so much time to be thinking about my kids’ genitals, but he clearly does. In fact, Matt doesn’t just have the bandwidth for my sons’ dicks; he has the time and energy to think about everyone’s kids’ genitals.

Some might think that’s creepy. Hell, I have a hard time not thinking it’s creepy. But clearly since conservative media loves Matt and has him on all the time to share his opinions about other kids’ genitals, he’s not creepy. And as much as Matt accuses liberals of grooming kids sexually, it’s good to know that Matt is thinking so long, hard, and intensively about everyone’s kids’ genitals and he’s standing watch over them.

Matt Walsh — Kids’ Genital Protector. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but hey, what do I know?

Honestly though, someone has to explain to me the “why” of it all. Why does Matt Walsh think about my sons’ dicks so often? Obviously in this country we just have to accept that religious extremists are going to bring up our kids’ gender identity every chance they get; I just can’t quite figure out why.

I’ve read the Bible many times. I’ve even gone combing through the Torah for passages that tell parents they need to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about other people’s kids’ genitals. So if someone out there can get a line to Matt, or has any insights whatsoever, I’d really appreciate knowing why Matt Walsh keeps our kids’ crotches in his thoughts so often.


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