Justice Clarence Thomas Tries to Throw Himself into Scalia’s Casket

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The body of the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia arrived at the chambers of the high court Friday morning, and some of the first visitors were the other eight surviving members of the bench. As is tradition, the Supreme Court was treated like royalty and allowed to shirk cameras and reporters, but one source close to the group whose name rhymes with Bamuel Balito told reporters that Justice Clarence Thomas was visibly shaken up by seeing Scalia’s casket, and tried to hurl himself into it.

The source says that as the eight remaining justices were walked into the chamber, they were allowed to file by the coffin and pay their last respects to Justice Scalia. Thomas was fighting back sniffles and breathing inconsistently the source said, and it was apparent he wasn’t handling the situation well. Then as Thomas got to the casket, he began trying to physically enter it himself.

“I can’t do anything he doesn’t do first,” Thomas is said to have cried out, “so I’m going right to Hell with you, Tony!” The source later told reporters that Scalia and Thomas “just had a thing” where they could “finish each other’s sentences and they knew exactly how each other took their coffee.” He described it as a “real love fest between stodgy old haters.”

Thomas tried for a full twenty minutes to climb into the casket, but his wife and several D.C. cops were able to finally restrain him. When he calmed down enough, he was allowed to walk back by the casket and say goodbye to Scalia. Our source says he watched Thomas place a copy of Atlas Shrugged, which he later referred to as  “our book,” a copy of the Holy Bible, which he referred to as “our Constitution” later, and a small lump of coal, which Thomas says “is the piece of my heart that died with Tony.”

Supreme Court scholars note this is the most Thomas has spoken in public since his confirmation hearing over twenty years ago. During his tenure on the court, Thomas’ opinions largely echoed Scalia’s, and as he was leaving the chambers, Thomas gave Scalia’s body a fist bump.

“Guess I gotta be the one to stubbornly cling to the 18th century as if we still live in it,” Thomas whispered into Scalia’s ears. “I’ll be the defender of status quo Christian dominance to the detriment of all others. I’ll be the one to imply that the founders wanted a society armed to the teeth and riled up with religious fervor that lets them persecute all manner of minority groups — my own included. I’ll be the one to act as a beacon to all bigots, giving them legal cover for their bigotry. I, my sweet, sweet Tony, will carry on for the both of us. My heart will go on.”

Later that day, reporters caught up with Thomas as he was sitting in the Supreme Court cafeteria, eating tater tots and sobbing into his burrito. They asked him what he was thinking about.

” I can’t stop thinking about Tony,” Justice Thomas said, “Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he’ll ever return someday.”

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