Jim Webb Was Sent Back in Time to Protect John Connor

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LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — While pundits may differ greatly on who won or lost the first Democratic Primary debate of the 2016 presidential election season, there was one undeniable fact that came out of the debate — Jim Webb has killed people, and he doesn’t mind talking about it.

During the debate the former Virginia Senator frequently mentioned his experience as a Marine in the Vietnam War. One moment in particular stood out when he was asked by debate moderator Anderson Cooper, like the rest of the candidates, to name an enemy they’ve been proud to make. “I would have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me,” Webb told Cooper, adding,  “but he’s not around right now to talk to.”

While Webb certainly struck a more centrist tone throughout the evening, progressive commentators and pundits really honed-in on his comments about war and especially the response he gave to the enemy question from Cooper. Many have assumed that Webb is just no different from a lot of Americans, particularly those who have served, and that he views war time service as honorable duty he performed, making his frag count something to be proud of. Former Senator Webb, however, gave a very specific reason for his being okay with killing people before — he is a Terminator robot sent back in time to protect John Connor.

“I am a T-905 Terminator robot, built by Skynet and I am here to keep John Connor safe,” Webb told reporters shortly after the debate ended, “so that he may lead the resistance against the machines in the future.” Webb said that as a Terminator robot, he has killed “untold thousands” of other Terminator robots, as well as “dozens and dozens” of humans working for Skynet. “Killing just isn’t that big a deal to a killing machine,” Webb would also tell reporters.

Webb told reporters that he decided to run for president because “there’s only so much time you can spend defending the liberator of mankind,” and that he wants to help “repair the image of killing robots everywhere.” The Virginia Democrat told reporters he’d already been endorsed by the Drone Operators Union and that he hopes to pick up the endorsements of the actual drones sometime in the next week or two.

“This is a new,modern day in America,” Webb said, “and you can see that in the fact that after 8 years of a relatively progressive president, we’re still drone striking countries we’re not officially at war with.” Webb said the lack of public outcry over the drone strikes is encouraging to him and his campaign. “Hey, if Americans can behind one faceless, conscience-free killing robot, why couldn’t they elect another one as president,” he asked rhetorically.

With just over a year left before the election, Webb is finishing near the bottom of every single opinion poll.

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