Jesus Just Told Me He Probably Wouldn’t Vote for the “Rapey Sore Loser Guy”

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Well, America, you’re about to do it. Again.

We’re gonna have a re-do of 2020. It’s gonna be Biden vs. Trump again. When it was all said and done, the two major parties in this country decided that we should be given the joyous choice between two very, very, very old white men to determine who will lead our country into a future surely neither of them will be alive much longer to enjoy.

Perhaps there’s just a little bit of comfort Americans take in the routine. Maybe it’s not about being a country bereft of bold leadership wanting to take us in a new direction, and it’s really about all of us just feeling like we could use a little more the familiar in our lives. So that leads us to the point we’re at now: the two parties have their candidates for president, and for the third election cycle in a row, the party that has the support of the majority of Evangelical Christian Nationalists has chosen the dude who has paid for more abortions than he’s paid for adult diapers and Adderall as their champion.

So it would only stand to reason that Jesus Christ, the guy who literally puts the “Christ” in “Christianity,” would vote for the candidate from the party that says they’re the most Christian people in the world, right?

Well, about that.

I sat down with Jesus for an exclusive, one question interview.

JAMES: Hey dude, thanks for agreeing to do this.

JESUS HUBERT CHRIST: Of course, man. It’s not like I was busy doing anything like helping my pops run the universe or anything. I’ve always got time to drop whatever it is I’m helping with and talk about American politics, because as we all know, this whole existence of ours is centered around Americans, and particularly white ones.

JAMES: Cool.

JHC: So, what was your question?

JAMES: Oh, right. So, I was wondering, if you were to vote in the upcoming election this year, who would you vote for?

JHC: Well, for starters, I can’t vote. Not in this year’s election, not in any election. I mean, I’m a highly-likely fictional character, sure, but also? I’m not a citizen, and despite what that weird Dan Bunghole guy says about it, only American citizens can vote in federal elections.

JAMES: Wow, you seem to know more about how this country works than some of the people here who claim to love it so hard it gives them a boner.

JHC: Yeah.

JAMES: Okay, so if you could vote though, who would it be for? The guy that all the Christian Nationalists endorse, right? One Team, One Dream kinda stuff?

JHC: Uhh…no? I would not in fact vote for the rapey sore loser guy. Look at what happened the last time you put the rapey sore loser guy in power. He damn near ended your country’s democracy, and you’re out here wanting me to vote for that douchebag again? 

JAMES: Are there any reasons, specifically, you wouldn’t vote for him?

JHC: Outside the rapey sore loser thing? 

JAMES: Yeah, outside of that.

JHC: Well, I’ve personally never thought guys who want to bang their own daughters make good leaders…

JAMES: Okay, so the rapey thing, the sore loser thing, and the daughter-lusting thing. Anything else?

JHC: Of course there is. But do I really need more reasons outside of rape, failed coups, and pining after his own kid’s genital juices?

JAMES: When you put it that way…Thanks for your time, Jeebsy.

JHC: No worries. See at Dungeons & Dragons night, homey.


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