National Association of Grizzly Bears Issues Statement on Betsy DeVos’ Confirmation

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LAKE URSA, CALIFORNIA — The nation’s largest advocacy group made up entirely of grizzly bears has issued a statement following the confirmation of Mrs. Betsy DeVos by the Senate as our new Secretary of Education. DeVos made headlines when, during her confirmation hearing, she said she approved of guns in the schools because there might be some schools that need to protect themselves against grizzly attack. Longtime forest fire safety instructor Smoky Bear has already indicated he will be “packing heat” at all his future school visits.

The following statement is being reprinted in its entirety, from the National Association of Grizzly Bears.

The National Association of Grizzly Bears was very displeased to hear that Ms. Betsy DeVos has been confirmed on a nearly party line vote by the U.S. Senate. We find it very telling that the Vice President, for the first time ever, had to drag a cabinet appointee across the finish line, and we are stunned and dismayed that not one more single Republican could grow a spine or conscience about confirming someone simply because they were enormous donors to their political party.

We’re just bears, okay? But even we bears know what George Washington, the first and perhaps greatest president of all time, said about political parties. To paraphrase that great man, essentially political parties stop being helpful when they stop serving the peoples’ interests and only serve their own. We have reached that point, now that a grossly unqualified candidate, again, in our admittedly bear eyes, has been approved for such a vital role without even a soupcon of the experience or successful track record she’d need to give anyone any kind of confidence that she won’t, as the kids are saying these days, “Suck out loud.”

But what really angers us, beyond the purely and transparently political nature of DeVos’ appointment and confirmation, is her blatant disregard for bear life. In her confirmation hearing, Ms. DeVos signaled she’d allow guns on campuses, and that’s a bad idea regardless, but considering she gave a direct reason — the murder of our kind — for her support, we must issue this formal decree of sadness and disagreement with her confirmation.

They make bear sprays, and we would have hoped that Ms. DeVos, a person living in the 21st century, wouldn’t advocate so strongly for the most lethal of force to be used on us. Instead, she clearly believes that we deserve to be shot. What if we accidentally wander onto campus, smelling some yummy human food? Are we to lose our lives for that, we wonder? Ms. DeVos has given no indication that she values grizzly life, just as she clearly doesn’t value the educations or lives of special needs children or poor children.

Sarah Palin has often referred to herself as a “mama grizzly.” We wonder if Ms. DeVos would be okay with Ms. Palin being shot on sight by a gun allowed on campus thanks to new Department of Education guidelines for guns on campus. We would hope that the possibility of gun-related accidents involving students, teachers, or faculty would be enough of a deterrent to an aggressively pro-gun stance, but we all know that’s like wishing in one hand and shitting — in the woods — in the other, and thinking the wish hand will fill up first.

We urge every American to become even more vigilant. This woman being in charge of our schools is like a butcher being in charge of our livestock. She wants to give corporations more power, allow states to teach their kids that the Earth is flat and 6,000 years old, and oh yeah, she wants fucking guns on school campuses. Wake up and smell the quid pro quo, America. If not for our sake, for your children’s sake.

The Department of Education could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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