WASHINGTON, D.C. — A handful of House Republicans in leadership positions held a press conference this morning, minutes before the January 6th special select committee began hearing testimony from four capitol officers who responded to the violent terrorist attack that day. During the presser, Rep. Elise Stefanik (Q-NY) blasted the committee and accused Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) of covering up her own “culpability” for the events of that day.
“Let’s be very frank here. Let’s put all the cards on the table,” Stefanik said while taking an exact replica of Donald Trump’s penis, about the size and width of a standard toothpick, out of her mouth as she spoke. “We wouldn’t even have to have any committees or hearings if it weren’t for Nancy Pelosi. If she wanted to really end the violence that day, why didn’t she give the mob what they wanted?”
Congressman Gym Jordan (Q-Fuckwitistan) blasted Pelosi for “withholding peace from the American people” by being “such a stuck-up, uptight bitch about the Constitution or whatever.”
“Does Speaker Pelosi not understand that all she had to do was declare Donald Trump king, and all the violence would have stopped,” Jordan quipped. “Just give the nice, foamy-mouthed patriots who were calling black cops the N-word to their face as they threatened to kill them whatever it is they wanted, and there would have been no attack! We’d have a king, and absolutely no need for this sham committee now.”
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (Q-CA) announced that he was officially considering backing efforts by some in his caucus to force Pelosi out of the speakership.
“We don’t have the votes for it, and it’s just meaningless theater, but meaningless political theater is kinda the only thing we do anymore,” McCarthy explained, “so, you know. Here we are anyway.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.