GoFundMe Set Up For Daleiden’s, Fiorina’s Sleeping Pills

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In the wake of many tragic events, crowd funding has become a way for people to rally together and help victims put their lives back in order. In the case of the Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood assault, a GoFundMe account has been set up, but who it will benefit might shock some.

“This GoFundMe has been created in order to help David Daleiden and Carly Fiorina sleep at night,” the introduction to the new crowd funding effort states, “because we know that it will likely take a truckload of Ambien to get to sleep every night now, knowing they were directly responsible for the carnage in Colorado Springs, Colorado.” It’s not clear at the time of publication whether the organizers of the effort are for or against abortion, since sarcasm is literally undetectable on the Internet, but it is clear that those who started the campaign believe that Fiorina and Daleiden — the head of the Center for Medical Progress that put out the highly and selectively edited sting videos at the center of the controversy over Planned Parenthood that has raged for months now.

Fiorina — who had briefly made an ascent up the 2016 Republican primary polls after swearing in front a debate audience both in the room with her and watching at home that she she had seen images in the sting videos that no independent fact checker can verify exists in any of the videos — seemed to be quite relieved for the crowd funding effort on her behalf. In the immediate wake of the shooting, Ms. Fiorina had done the same as the rest of the GOP primary field and stayed quiet, until she told “Fox News Sunday” that her adamant, angry anti-Planned Parenthood rhetoric in which she compared those who work there to murderers and butchers had nothing to do with the attack.

“Many have asked me how I’m sleeping at night,” Fiorina said in a prepared statement for the press early Monday morning, “since I’m clearly at least somewhat responsible for the lies I told that led to three people losing their lives.” Fiorina would say in the statement that she is “not sleeping” because in her words, “For some reason, [she] can’t fall asleep.” The former Silicon Valley executive said she “can’t figure out why, but ever since that shooting, [she] just can’t quite stop the screams of the people who were attacked because, in part, [she] kept telling everyone that Planned Parenthood sells baby parts.”

If Fiorina seems relieved to get some help sleeping, Daleiden doesn’t seem to care so much. “No, why would I have any problem sleeping,” Mr. Daleiden told a reporter outside his home as he was taking the garbage out, “just because I spent months concocting a video that I knew would play on the sympathies of easily manipulated religious people and the end result of the months’ long campaign of mendacity and libel has resulted in homicide and terror,” he asked rhetorically. “I’ve got Jesus on my side,” he said, “he’ll help me sleep all I need to.”

Reached for comment, Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., simply said, “Fuck that guy,” when he was asked about Daleiden. When asked about Fiorina, he let out an audible fart noise and said, “Yeah, fuck that asshole too.”

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