Upon hearing the news from his fellow inmates at Englewood Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado that former Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) dropped out of consideration to be Trump’s Attorney General, infamous sub sandwich connoisseur Jared Fogle has announced his intentions to seek Trump’s nomination to lead the nation’s top law enforcement agency.
Said Fogle, “My CV pretty much aligns with Gaetz’s. No relevant experience, the ability to keep my name in the media daily, and a…deep…concern…for young girls. If you were to compare our resumés, you would think they were exact copies!”
Fogle, serving out the second half of a fifteen and a half year prison sentence in federal prison, was propelled into fame when losing 245 pounds eating nothing but Subway sandwiches and touring multiple elementary schools playgrounds. He was famously arrested, charged, and sentenced for multiple crimes against children, something Gaetz’s experience is lacking.
“Being the nations top cop, I think it HELPS my case being imprisoned currently for crimes against children. I know how the justice system works — the inner workings of prison systems. Hopefully Gaetz will get this experience soon, but until that happens, I’m willing to stick my neck out.”
We reached out to both Gaetz and his spokesperson, however, cell phones aren’t allowed on most middle school campuses, so we have yet to hear from him.
