Emperor Palpatine: ‘Why Is No One Talking About The Violent Alt-Left Jedi?’

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CORUSCANT — Today at a press conference from his throne room in the palace on Coruscant, Emperor Palpatine addressed the stories coming in from all over the galaxy about Jedi being killed. From the Outer Rim territories all the way to the capital planet, reports are streaming in that more and more bodies of Jedi are being found, lifeless. Signs of foul play and violence are usually present.

“It is true that a large number of Jedi have been turning up dead,” Palpatine said, “but the circumstances of their deaths are what’s important, too. It’s of course tragic that they met such violent means, but that also begs the question — why aren’t we talking about the violence of the alt-left Jedi?”

Palpatine said that the alt-left Jedi brought their fate on themselves, in some regards.

“How can you blame Order 66 and the Inquisitors and Vader all by themselves,” Palpatine asked, “when you have bad Force users on many sides?”

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Palpatine said that despite their claims to be “guardians of peace and justice” in the Old Republic, the Jedi are “mostly religious extremists who carry laser swords” to intimidate people who don’t practice their religion. The Emperor said the Jedi were so blood thirsty and so conspiracy minded they “foolishly” thought he orchestrated the war between the Separatists and the Republic. That’s a claim Palpatine said is so farcical it makes him “cackle in a very evil and menacing way.”

“That’s like saying we could build a battle station with enough firepower to destroy and entire planet,” Palpatine mused, laughing.

Emperor Palpatine said that the “Jedi share blame” and that “there’s blame on both sides” of the Sith and Jedi’s feud.

“One of them cut my boy Maul clean in two,” Palpatine said, “and am I just supposed to ignore that? Sure, Maul was coming after them, and he’d just killed a guy, but what the hell man?”

The Emperor didn’t stop at that one example of violence he says the “deranged, loony liberal Jedi” perpetrated.

“I watched one Jedi even cut off a friend of mine’s head,” Palpatine told the press, adding, “Sure, I told him to do it, but I’m playing both sides here in an epic power grab that will destroy the galaxy and rebuild it under my sole control. Gimme a break here, people.”

Still more examples of the “horrors inflicted by Jedi scum” were given to the media by Palpatine.

“Another one tried to arrest me and made me such a terrible victim of police brutality,” Palpatine relayed, “I ended up looking like this! I wasn’t this horribly disfigured man before that bastard Windu redirected my Force lightning back onto myself. What a dick, huh?”

Mr. Palpatine even witnessed what he called the “worst domestic violence incident” he’s ever seen, right before his eyes.

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“One of the young ones even cut off my best apprentice’s fucking hand,” Palpatine said, “and it was his own dad’s hand!”

Palpatine admitted that the Empire and Sith had been actively trying to wipe out the Jedi for centuries, but said that doesn’t excuse the Jedi’s behavior.

“Killing in self defense is still violence, guys,” Palpatine said, “and even if you kill in defense of millions of planets, threatened by the awesome power of this FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL BATTLE STATION, it’s still violence. So yeah, spare me the pearl clutching about what Sith have done, okay? There’s bad people on many sides, many sides. And you know what? Some Sith are good, okay? Some Sith are good.”

The Emperor called two reporters “FAKE NEWS!” before blasting them with a bolt of blue lightning from his finger tips and dismissing the rest of the reporters.

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