We’re sorry. Thanks to the flawless wisdom of Ajit Pai, Chairman of the FCC, Net Neutrality has been removed, and your Internet Service Provider no longer allows you to browse the Internet all willy-nilly just clicking on links because you want to. The following Internet browsing options are now available to you.

• $250/mo for Unlimited Access – Internet just how you remember it, before the Dark Times!
• $200/mo for Almost Unlimited – You get everything the Internet has to offer except porn, because no one really needs porn on the Internet anyway
• $150/mo for Kinda Internet – You know you’re not getting everything, but you can’t quite figure out what’s missing, except porn, of course. You figure that out prettttttty quickly.
• $100/mo for Barely Internet – Everything except social media, which is really overblown anyway.
• $50/mo for You’ll Pay For It And You’ll LIKE It Internet – Just quit your bitching and go browse Pinterest for your allotted ten minutes of the month, you plebs.
• $25/mo for Shitty Internet — Exactly as it’s described. Just shitty stuff. Only Breitbart, InfoWars, Fox News, and Food Babe links.

A la carte services:

• $2 per Tweet
• $8 per Facebook status update
• $10 per Instagram photo
• $1.45 per “Like” on any social media platform
• $15 per stroke porn

PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ISP’S CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR PROMPT PAYMENT TO READ THIS ARTICLE.

You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.