FERGUSON, MO — “We could understand him killing that kid in the middle of the street, as the kid fled unarmed through the streets, subverting due process and showing that many cops these days simply do not how to follow constitutional protocol, but killing our racket? Unforgivable.” This was how an anonymous source in the Ferguson Police Department described the feelings of some of the police officers that are still employed by the department that has seen six of its employees quit or be fired in the wake of the Department of Justice’s scathing report on its predatory ticketing practices that mostly centered on African-American residents.
“We were making money hands over fists,” said our source. “I mean sure, we had to pretty much completely ignore common sense and the laws of our nation that govern the treatment of people by police officers, but we were making serious dough!” The DOJ’s report detailed that the “serious dought” our source says they were making came largely from completely unnecessary fines from tickets that would be issued incessantly to residents of Ferguson, and predominantly to black residents. Cops would regularly fix tickets for their friends, but for those who didn’t have a friend on the force, failure to pay the fines could mean jail time, resulting in what was essentially a debtors’ prison — which are illegal in the United States and have been for decades.
The source in Ferguson PD told The Political Garbage Chute that he “can’t understand why everyone would be so upset” by what he called Ferguson’s “creative budgeting solution” that didn’t require a single tax be raised. “All we had to do,” our source told us, “was rob a few people of their constitutionally-protected due process under the law. Why is that such a horrible thing in the grand scheme of things?”
We were told that in light of all the resignations, firings and negative attention, it’s clear that Ferguson PD’s practices will change. “He killed our racket,” our sources tells us, “and for that he needs to be punished. He’s a killer…of rackets.” It’s unclear at this time exactly what statute Officer Darren Wilson, who put at least six bullets into an unarmed teenager he had scuffled with moments earlier near his car when he broke traditional police training by attempting to stop Michael Brown — Wilson’s victim — and his friend from walking in the middle of the street. An altercation ensued, and Brown was left dead in the street for hours while Wilson, according to his own testimony, broke more protocols by breaking down his own gun and washing blood evidence from his hands.
“We could charge him with something, I’m sure,” the anonymous source told us. “Even if we can’t, the man deserves to be castigated in public for what he did.” We asked if our source meant for killing Michael Brown in such a clearly extra-judicial way. “Of course not! We’re cops. We’re above the law. Haven’t you ever seen ‘Tombstone’ my friend? We are allowed to do whatever we want now. Hence our little racket here. But that’s all been blown to hell now since Wilson came along and messed it all up.”