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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever be just a few microns away from Donald Trump's penile flesh?" Sometimes, I have to say, I just cannot believe my luck. I could never have guessed when I woke up yesterday...
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MAGA News

Trump Says He Saw ‘Hundreds of Thousands’ of White Hoods at El Paso Rally

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Despite local El Paso fire department officials denying his claim, President...
History

On Lincoln’s 210th Birthday Trump Puts Jefferson Davis on Flip Side of Penny

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today marks Abraham Lincoln's 210th birthday, and President Donald Trump wasted...
MAGA News

MAGA Boy Pretty Sure He Can Insult His Way into AOC’s Stupid Commie Pants

RICCI RIVER, NEW JERSEY -- If there's one thing that 35 year old right-wing...
MAGA News

Liam Neeson On Shortlist for Trump’s Chief of Staff

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Chief of Staff position in the Trump administration has already...
MAGA News

Trump Promises Mexico Will Pay for His Executive Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Days ago, Axios reported that President Donald Trump spends the majority of his...
MAGA News

Trump Tells Secret Service to Investigate Pelosi’s ‘Threatening Sarcastic Clapping’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last night, President Donald Trump gave the second State of the...
Arts & Entertainment

Weezer Will Drop Album Full of Music Recorded by Other Artists Late This Year

CUOMO RIVER, CALIFORNIA -- Rock band Weezer is set to release a new record...
MAGA News

We Obtained a Leaked Transcript of Trump’s State of the Union

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Through a completely unforeseen chain of events, this publication received a...
MAGA News

Trump Still Memorizing State Names Ahead of SOTU Address

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources in the White House are indicating that President Trump is...
MAGA News

President’s Plane Renamed “Air Force Individual-1”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump's aircraft has been officially rechristened. "Because Special Counsel Robert...
MAGA News

Tom Brady: Promise of Cold White House Hamberder Buffet Inspired Super Bowl XLIII Performance

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- With Super Bowl XLIII in the books, and his team once...
U.S. Politics

Mitt Romneytron First Android to Endorse Howard Shultzbot’s Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sen. Mitt Romneytron (R-UT) shocked the world today when he announced...
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U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....
Lifestyle

Nothing Says Understanding American Freedom Like Cheering for Teenagers to Get Beaten by Cops

"...one thing I have now learned is that fascism and freedom of speech are...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)